Stories from a Dublin Scientist

Category: Doctor Joe: Agony Uncle

Doctor Joe: Agony Uncle 27

Doctor Joe: Agony Uncle, knows how much wood a woodchuck can chuck*.

Dear Doctor Joe,

I write you a man distraught. I had been having problems in my marriage over the last few years but nothing at all that would lead me to believe that things had gone beyond hope. I figured that all I needed to do was leave work early, buy a nice steak, bottle of wine and some flowers and come home to give my wife a little TLC.

No sooner did I get home but I heard some noises coming from the bed room. I walked in and found my wife in bed with José the gardener.

I was in shock. Without letting anyone say anything, I walked out of the room, the house and back to my car. I been driving around the city for the whole evening and  have booked a cheap Motel for the evening where I am now.

Doctor Joe, I don’t know what to do. I loved my wife, but I don’t know how I feel about her now. Can you help me?

Distraught Derek.


Dear Derek,

I have to say that I had to read your letter a few times because I just could not believe what I was reading. The horrific acts described in your words brought a pause to my breath and scandalized my heart. I don’t know what to say, what I can do to help alleviate the situation but I will try my best…..


How could you. Was it a T-Bone a tenderloin? It doesn’t matter, any man who can’t take care of his meat has no business being involved with a woman. With your slapdash approach to animal products it is no wonder that your wife found solace with another man. Who could blame her?

You say you want her back, that you don’t intend to abandon her like a rib-eye in the sun. Not that I totally trust your convictions in this but there may be a way for you to prove yourself.

Look after some meat.

Maybe not a steak, not as first, that may be too much for you. Perhaps a couple of porkchops or some chicken breasts to start with. look after them, take care of them. DON’T ABANDON THEM. Don’t leave them on their own with no one to eat them. and maybe, just maybe things can turn out alright.

Good luck. I know you’re going to need it.

Doctor Joe

*Editors note: Eight.

To read more from Doctor Joe or leave a question check out here.

Doctor Joe: Agony Uncle 26

Doctor Joe: Agony Uncle, You know you want to*

Dear Doctor Joe,

I love your input from my previous questions, so I’m back! The gist is, I wrote a lifestyle article for a client. The products that I featured in the article are my favourites and I’ve been using them for some time now. Once it’s published, I emailed and notified the product companies about the article, hoping that they’ll share it on their social media channels. Because you know, working in the media industry, gaining traction is fundamental. The great news is that they love it! Two companies emailed back asking for my address so they can mail a gift to show their appreciation. The bad (or not?) news is that I don’t know if this is against the policy. I work freelance for my client. Doctor Joe, is this ethical?



Dear Confused,

Why it is that people insist on coming to me, me of all people, me, a man who has been excommunicated by three separate religions for “Gross Indecency against the universe”, to answer their ethical conundrums is always something of a mystery to me. But; if the internet is any guide, some people insist that stuffing live batteries up their own arse is fun. Who am I to judge? Just remember; you’re reading this at your own risk.

Anyway; where was I? Confused; you seem to have a good old fashioned case of conflict of interest, something with which I have some previous experience. Not something as simple and harmless as writing a lifestyle article, I got into a bit of a tangle with the Russian mob, three crooked cops and a blind beggar named Hillary, I can’t go into much details, some of the other antagonists managed to survive the fight in the bear pit, but needless to say, I managed to make it out with the majority of my fingers intact.

You mention two details which I think stands out most clearly, the first being that you do not know that what you did is against the “policy”. If there is in fact a policy, read it, read through every detail, look for anything that pertains to what you may be up to. But this is the most important detail; what you find has to forbid what you do exactly and unquestionably. Don’t bother with wishy washy, if you look at things that way it may just say such and such, thinking. You don’t want to think about different meanings, if they wanted you thinking about things they never would have invented contracts in the first place. You just want the exact wording, only what it says. And more importantly what it doesn’t say, what contracts don’t say can be really important. Take for example what an unscrupulous surgeon said to me some years ago “I never said I wouldn’t take one of your kidneys now did I? Don’t be a cry baby, you still have one left.”

The second detail is not so much said but implied and that is you have not yet told your clients anything about this. That is good, very good, because the number one lesson you can learn from the Doctor Joe school  of ethics is “You are only guilty if you get caught” If no one every finds out, what is the harm? What is the problem? Nothing I would wager. There have been times when certain overzealous constables have taken me in on charges I am never going to say I did or didn’t do and with my lips sealed, my compatriots, all mysteriously vanished and no sign of the missing Golden Arse on my person, they have had no choice whatsoever than to let me go.

I would counsel what countless lawyers have counselled to my criminal fraternity over the generations and that is “Shut the hell up. And nope no evidence comes up.” The social media sharing may be a little suspicious but that can be put down to simple media interest. After all, people share things on social media all the time, most of which people never see, ever, this column being one fine example, so I wouldn’t sweat too much about that. If you want to continue these exploits I would recommend using a fake alias online. Just don’t use Doctor Joe, that is already taken.

If that is not what you want to hear, forgive me. Ethics is often like that, a tangled mess of possibility that can give an octopus a wet dream. There are so many twists and turns that it is often hard to figure out what way is up. But one thing is very clear. Why break a rule, when it is so much more fun just to bend it a little?

The very best of luck,

Doctor Joe.

*Editor’s note: But you shouldn’t. You really, really, shouldn’t.


If you want to read more of Doctor Joe: Agony Uncle or even ask him a question, just click on the link here.

Doctor Joe: Agony Uncle 26

Doctor Joe: Agony Uncle, Flashes of Brilliance*.

Hey Doctor Joe,

So I have this huge crush on my best friend’s sister, I wrote her poems in different languages. When I told him that I like her he smiled at me (what does that mean?).Then he started telling me that I should stay away from her and never speak to her again. I was sad(of course), so he started to comfort me by telling jokes. What is he trying to say? Is he trying to say that I should ask her out or stay away from her? Please help me.

I’m desperate.

P.S. I’m thirteen and in middle school


Dear I’m Desperate.

Let me first of all say that I personally cannot remember that much from before my twentieth birthday, possibly because I was hungover but I can’t be too sure from such a remove, so what advice I shall provide will be solely from my adult experience. Take from it what you will.

Sisters are in my experience like having a first edition Star Wars figurine. You’re not going to play with it and you’re sure as hell not going to allow anybody else to play with it. Best friend or not, sisters are off limits, inviolate and dangerous to boot. That you have not just suffered a bout of amateur dentistry is a sign indeed of how much of a friend you have there as are the jokes to let you down gently. But still, the rule stands. You my friend, are playing with fire.

What you haven’t told me however is how the sister has reacted herself to all this. You tell me you have a crush on her, you tell me you write her love poetry (and multilingual to boot, a good scheme if it works), but you do not tell me if she has said anything to you. Has she talked to you? Has she given you the time of day? Does she hide in bushes as you approach? All of these matter because, in a free world anyway, it is what the lady decides that counts. He brother can rant and rave, even threaten violence, but if the girl truly wants to see you, nothing will get in the way of that and if she is happy with you, he will and must back down. To do otherwise will invoke the wrath of a teenage girl, I know battles hardened soldiers who quake at that possibility.

If it is unrequited however, she is well within her rights to call in her brother and hell or high water you are going straight for a beating, deservedly so. She may be too polite to tell you to get lost but rest assured there are ways she can let you know. Death threats for example.

It is not going to be easy Mr Desperate, anything worth it seldom is. Your friend may say “stay away” but that is unlikely to mean you will never see her again. If you still go to his house, you are likely to run into her every now and again. Try and strike up conversation (no more poetry for the time being, there is a time and a place for that) and gauge her reaction. If there is nothing, leave it at that and move on, there are plenty of fish in the sea. If she seems interested (not just polite, there is a difference), proceed with caution.

You worry about your friend and truly if you do this your friendship may well be at risk. If the sister is happy he may be forced for accept it but he may never truly like it. I personally wouldn’t care, I would sell my own grandmother for a shot at the perfect woman (and have, miss you granny!). But what to risk and how far to go are choices we all must make in this game of life.

In truth; each situation is different and only you are truly capable of judging it.

All the best and good luck,

Doctor Joe

*Editors note: Amongst hours of dull tedium.

To read more from doctor Joe or to ask a question click here.

Doctor Joe: Agony Uncle 25

Dr Joe: Agony Uncle, Bringing the winds of change*.

Hey Doctor Joe,

I’ve got a bit of a dilemma.

After publishing an article on an escort service company (yep), I received an email from a reader who shared her experience. I thanked her for sharing and we started conversing about our lives.

Then, things got a little bit… odd. She started sharing private stuffs — the way I see it, she’s lonely and in desperate need of a listening ear. So, what’s am I supposed to do? I listened.

Long story short, she soon finds herself in deep trouble. I wish I could tell you more, but I fear that this would expose her identity.

She was a sweet girl, but she started getting really vicious. She confessed to all of her bad deeds (without feeling any remorse) to me. Despite telling her to apologise to the victim (this incident happened recently) and that she’s better than that, she started attacking me.

I guess that’s wrong on my part. I had no right. Sigh, I can be a busybody sometimes.

Anyway, she apologised. But it feels like she couldn’t make up her mind. Because she started attacking me again.

That’s strike two, man. She told me she’s not going to contact me anymore, but I’m still receiving her messages. So I blocked her. I don’t like to associate myself with toxic people.

I’ll admit: it’s tempting to read her mails, but I’m not going to do that. I feel so silly that I’ve become so invested in someone’s life whom I’ve never even met.

Did I do the right thing by blocking her? Or am I making a mountain out of a molehill? I’m afraid that she would continue to harass me.



Dear Fed-up,

To your unasked question let me answer quickly with yes, that bitch be crazy.

But I have no wish to be too disparaging to crazy people though, after all, the majority of my beloved clients are a little touched, we have to discuss what your actions have to do with this state of affairs.

It started, as you say, with an article about an escort service. This immediately rasied my concerns for as a man who has extensive experience on the front end of the escort industry I can say it has far more than its fair share of crazy. I have lost count of the number of times I have been attacked both verbally and physically by a deranged lady of the night. Ah, the memories!

By writing about the industry you have served as a lightning rod for this ‘challenged’ lady. Then by actively listening you then kept her around. These are actions that could have been avoided. But you didn’t. Why? I think it is because you like it.

Like it or not Fed-up, crazy people are interesting people. They are the chili powder rubbed in the toilet paper of life, they keep you on your toes and generate memories that last for how ever long you do, another quantity given to exhilarating uncertainty.

I know full well that every minute you have an axe-wielding maniac searching for you is a minute lived to the full. You learn what is truely important as you pack light in the middle of night and you get closer to nature as you hide on an island off the coast of South America. By bringing this crazy woman into your life, even if only remotely, you bring possibly the most interesting thing that will ever happen to you.

True. Interesting can be dangerous. All of this may end with the sound of a chainsaw in the middle of the night. But you can get better locks, a guard-dog, a gun, even a guard-dog with a gun, all to increase the odds of making it through all right.

But, so far, that hasn’t been an issue. All the contact has been through electronic means and as far as you can tell a safe, if momentarily scary, diversion. If you choose, you can keep this woman blocked and try to never think about it again. If you choose.

And if you don’t… There are always other articles to write.

Best of luck
Doctor Joe

P.S. For a good bolt-hole I personally recommend the Micronesian archipelago, as it is both fairly remote but can be reached in a reasonable time frame. The weather is nice too, which helps.

*Editors note: That is in fact a case of acute flatulence.

For more Dr Joe or to ask a question click the link here.

Doctor Joe: Agony Uncle Christmas Edition

Doctor Joe: Agony Uncle, Ho Ho Ho!*

Today, considering the season and how many of you, my dear readers will be in need of solid advice I have decided to answer not one, not two, not five, but four, yes four of your festive themed questions. I hope you find the answers as informative as always.

Doctor Joe


Dear Doctor Joe,

Our Christmas party is coming up and I have to say that I am very nervous. There is a guy from abroad who has been working with us these past few months. I really like him and I think he likes me but we have both been too shy to do anything about it. The problem is that he is due to go home in the new year and this party will be my last chance. What will I do?

Single Susan,

Dear Single Susan,

Ah yes! The Christmas party, where drinks flow, inhibitions are lowered and affections spread like STDs, which funnily enough also get spread quite effectively. That night, capturing the attention of your man will be like shooting inebriated fish in a barrel. All you need to do, and I can’t stress this enough, is slut up. I’m talking slutty Mrs Clause here, the fish nets and all. With a few drinks on him, one look at you and he will be on you like a fat man on fried chicken. Well, if not him then that married philanderer from accounts. Either way you win.

Good luck Susan and Happy hunting,

Doctor Joe


Dear Doctor Joe,

I am at my wit’s end. My partner is set to go for his workplace Christmas party this Friday. While I trust him when he out normally, some of his workmates are real party animals and I am afraid they would be a bad influence. I know that last year they ended up in a strip club and that some of them used the party as an excuse to sleep around.

My partner said that he had nothing to do with it but I’m terrified that something like that could happen again and he wouldn’t be able to resist the temptation. I can’t go because they have a strict, “no baggage” rule for the night but he is looking forward to it so much that even though I am so worried about it I can’t ask him not to go.

Can you please help me?

Worried Wanda

Dear Worried Wanda,

Let me get this straight. Your partner is planning on going to a party where there will be strippers and drunken debauchery abound and you think this is a bad thing?…. I honestly don’t get it. But still, I suppose you may have a teeny-weeny, titchy, entirely overreacting,  sense of objection to it and want to keep an eye on your man. There are a few ways you can set about doing this.

Firstly; you could just go. I know they said you couldn’t but I have had girlfriends who never quite grasped the concept of “Stay away from me”. You may think that your partner will be miffed at this intrusion but I have memories from those relationships that will stay with me always, and scars that will never heal.

Secondly; you could spy on him covertly. This could be from a distance, shadowing his every move from pub to pub or it could very well be up close, especially if you disguise yourself appropriately. You may think that he will spot you but I very much doubt that he will notice anything, I mean, who ever looks at the face of a stripper? If there still are reservations remember if your partner is occupied stuffing fifties down your knickers, he won’t be getting up to any mischief, will he?

Thirdly; If you have neither the confidence or acting ability to get away spying on him yourself then I would suggest you hire in outside help. Considering the time of year, little people in elf costumes would be your best bet, almost certain to be taken in by your partner’s friends and given a front row seat on any misadventures. You can hire professional little people from any number of reputable Rent-A-Midget or child actor agencies but if money is an issue then any spare kid you have lying around could be roped in for this purpose. A word to the wise however, I would recommend that you properly indemnify yourself against any injuries your agent may suffer over the course of the night. I did not do so, there was an elf-tossing incident, and lets just say, it cost me.

Whatever you decide Wanda, the very best of luck.

Doctor Joe


Dear Doctor Joe,

Christmas is coming and so is the ultimate family row. We have two children, both boys and the two of them have asked Santa for very expensive presents. Unfortunately, we don’t have the money to buy them both. I love the idea of Santa and it would kill me if they are disappointed. I don’t know what to do. Please help.

Panicked Parent

Dear Panicked Parent,

I didn’t think I’d have to lay this down for you but the answer is staring right in front of you. If you are only able to afford the present for one of your kids then just get the one, for your favourite. “But we don’t have a favourite” You tell me “We love each of our kids equally.” Bullshit. Every parent has a favourite, even yours. If it seemed to you that your parents did not have a favourite that is because you were the favourite and you were held above all your siblings. You might as well face reality and lets your sprogs figure out that there are winners and losers in life.

Still; if you are going to delude yourself over playing favourites well there are ways to get presents which are practically what they want. All you need to do is go down to the local Asian black market and there you will be able to get the very latest Sonee Playstop, Y-Box two, or Transshaper toy at a mere fraction of the cost of the “legitimate” brands. You’d be a fool not to.

If neither of those appeal to you and you still want to promote a sense of wonder in Santa. Why not call on another fictional visitor, a scary house burglar. This Christmas Eve, instead of laying down presents, why not break open your door, take everything of value and leave a great big shit on the living room rug. Santa visited sure enough, but the bad men took away all the presents. Problem solved.

The very best of luck Panicked and Merry Christmas.

Doctor Joe


Dear Doctor Joe,

My wife and I are dreading Christmas this year because of the bad influences our children get exposed to. I know family is meant to be important but my father in law has started drinking heavily since my wife’s mother died and it is really started to affect him. Last year he was an absolute mess and sat in the corner smelling of drink, using foul language and making inappropriate suggestions at my poor mother. I shudder to think what my young children are learning from this. I know they have gotten at least few choice words out of this. I know it is a terrible option but I am seriously considering not inviting him here this year, even my wife is agreeing with me.

What should I do?

Despairing Dad

Dear Despairing Dad,

Ah! What would Christmas be without the obligatory drunken relative, sipping heavy spirits and pissing himself before the Bond movie starts. These are hallowed traditions that should not be cast aside so readily but I can understand that this can cause problems especially when there are kids involved. But while it is traditional to have family present in your home, there is nothing in the fine print saying that they have to be conscious. Here’s what you should do; get onto google and look up Doctor Joe’s Patented brain cell killer, easily the strongest cocktail known to man (I suggest you give yourself a couple of weeks since Tibetan yak oil can take a while to ship). You whip up one of these before your old man shows up and he will be out like a light and silent in five minutes flat, not to wake until . A note on dosage, please make sure that he only drinks one glass. Any more and he’ll be gone for good, though so well-preserved you’ll save on embalming costs.

I hope that helps Despairing, The best of luck,

Doctor Joe


*Editors Note: While he’s writing that he’s wearing a Santa hat, nothing but a Santa hat….

To read more from Doctor Joe or to ask a question yourself you need only click on the link here.

Doctor Joe: Agony Uncle 24

Doctor Joe: Agony Uncle, the ultimate fixer*.

Dear Dr. Joe,

I’ve just discovered I have a dissociative personality disorder and I’ve been sneaking out and picking up guys in a hotel bar for the last two years. I mean I kind of knew. When you wake up sore with booze on your breath and a new French tip manicure… Anyway, it turns out one of the guys is my own husband. What do I do?

~ Unwanted in Me


Dear Unwanted,

Firstly let me say categorically to you and all my readers that if you have a personality disorder or any other sort of mental affliction or suspect that you do (Let me say the fact that you have written me is a strong indicator of having one.) then you should contact your doctor or other mental health professional and seek treatment. It’s just good sense.

Now that the general good Samaritan, Public Service Announcement is out of the way Unwanted, let’s get to the meat and veg of this problem.

It is a sad state of affairs that even in this modern, liberal age, people still view everything sexual of being filthy or ‘Taboo’. This puts a pressure on all of us to conform, something that is more difficult for some than for others.

Unwanted, I think that the restrictive environment that you live in has repressed your natural desires to such an extent that they have burst out in the this most unusual fashion, namely picking up guys in the evening and having your wicked way with them, leaving the ‘normal’ repressed you with a nasty hangover and the occasional suspicious bruise.

I suppose, in the scheme of things stuff could have gone a lot worse for you. I mean you could have woken up in some guy’s sex dungeon chained to a guy in a gimp suit which I can tell you is very little fun.

It hasn’t even seemed to have damaged your marriage. I can’t ask your husband’s side of the story but he obviously knows about your nocturnal liaisons and seems to tolerate it.. if not even enjoy it.

This, Unwanted, is an opportunity for you to cure your ill. If, as I suspect, your affliction is caused by your oppression then the answer is clear. You can rebalance yourself by letting your inhibitions go free. Whatever you want to do, whatever comes to mind, no matter how deranged or insane do it. It may just save you.

Include your husband in this, he seems game. You could have a threesome, a devil’s three-way, maybe even a good old fashioned orgy. Your limit is only your imagination, and local population demographics.

The very best of luck,
Doctor Joe

*Editor’s note: a professional may be needed to fix what he ‘fixed’.

To see more of Doctor Joe’s columns or to ask a question yourself click here.

Doctor Joe: Agony Uncle 23

Doctor Joe: Agony Uncle, solves the problems people didn’t know they had*.

Dear Doctor Joe:

I’ve recently added another girl to my stable, much to the first’s dismay. They fight incessantly, raising a great racket day and night, and on several occasions have come to blows! This can go on for hours, and then end up with both being sullen for days.

I’m sure a man of your great perspicacity has already grasped my problem. While I have no issue with the girls silence, I am dismayed that to date none of the fights have devolved into the hardcore lesbian love scenes that my favorite movies depict.

What am I doing wrong?

Sincerely, Domley
Dear Domley,

I am glad you wrote me because in your problem we see a classic case of the dangers of not taking adequate precautions when adding a new girl to your stable. What was clearly meant to be a time of Joy and naughty, naughty antics has turned to one of turmoil and totally the wrong kind of girl on girl action. If there was a lesson to be learned please, please, be careful in your introductions.

Don’t just throw your new girl right in amongst the wolves. Introduce her gently. Don’t put her right into the master bedroom; stick her in the attic conversion and visit her there. Don’t make her help make you dinner; let her do something separate like dessert. It is baby steps like these that will allow the rest of your harem take kindly to the newcomer and leave the home life a lot more peaceful for you.

Some commentators think you could even go further and say you should try and match the new girl to your existing women. Not go as far as giving them a say of course, that would just be nutty, but perhaps to think of how this new addition will fit with the rest. Do you need another blonde? Will a more husky lady suit better for colder nights? All these things should be considered if you want the domestic bliss you seek.

As for you Domley. While you have had a rough time of it there is a way to turn this thing around. You simply add some alcohol. After a couple of beers, maybe a few shots. Simply take your camera, I assume you have a video camera for filming the girls fighting, and point it at them. It is a known fact that women when drunk, no matter how much they hate each other, will always start making out when a camera is pointed at them. That’s science. While it is not the hard-core action you were hoping for, it may be best to think of it as opening the door. I’m confident that they will walk through.

The very best of luck,
Doctor Joe

*Editor’s note: He usually makes them up as he goes along.

To read more of Doctor Joe or to ask a question check out here.

Doctor Joe: Agony Uncle 22

Doctor Joe: Agony Uncle; what ever your problem, come to Joe*.

Dear Doctor Joe,

Is there really a place called Termonfeckin? And why the feck did yer name it that, please?

Flowery Anne


Dear Flowery Anne,

Why yes Flowery! A place called Termonfeckin does exist. It is in the county of Louth and is a small village with a population in excess of six hundred people. It’s name derives from the Irish Tearmann Feichín or Fechín’s refuge after a medieval saint who founded a monastery at the  site. It is by all means a lovely place and not deserving of any dispersions regarding it’s name. There, I think, lies the root of your problem.

The issue as I see, Flowery, is standing erect right in front of you. You have a filthy mind. A mind that penetrates down to the dirt of even the most innocent of phrases, not resting until it spews out an imagined improper meaning. It is usually only a rare thing but you seem to have unsurpassed stamina for it, going at it any chance you get, even for hours at a time. I take it your social life may suffer as a result.

But help is at hand Flowery. Your obsession with seeing the filth need only be grasped with two hands to be subdued. By probing into the dark recesses we will be able to find the problem. We may have to go deep, maybe even uncomfortably so but I am sure you will thank me in the end.

It may be dark, it may be messy. But I promise you I will keep coming at the problem, again and again until it is satisfied.

You, me and maybe the occasional professional of my choosing will sort out this problem for you.

Ready and willing to help,
Doctor Joe

*Editors Note: Joe especially likes the strange ones.

To read more Doctor Joe: Agony Uncle or to ask a question yourself click the link here.

Doctor Joe: Agony Uncle 21

Doctor Joe: Agony Uncle, Cured or your money back*.

Dear Doctor Joe,

I have a feeling that my employer’s going to fire me. Not that I blame them, as I’m having a tough time. I write articles for an online marketing company. It’s in the forex niche, which is something I know almost nothing. So I’ve been working for them (freelance home-based basis) for a week, I then received a notification about them going through some development in their department. I was told not to send in any more articles through their site. It’s been 4-5 days. I emailed how long is it going to take but to no avail. I recently found out that they’re going to hire another writer. Am I being paranoid? I’ve been paid by them before, but right now the situation seems suspicious. Should i confront them?

An Amateur

Dear Amateur,

Writing online about subjects which you have absolutely no expertise? That sounds awfully familiar. In fact I suspect that you are in the exact same field that I am in, namely the online bullshit peddling field. As you are well aware this is a tough game we are in, it can be hard to keep on making crap smell enough like roses to make them buy it. But I know a few tricks which I am going to tell you here.

Firstly; get yourself a title. Obviously ‘Doctor’ is the best one to get for sure but there a number of impressive sounding qualifications that can be acquired for a tiny amount of work and a modest fee. Your rantings will look better and command a higher fee if it is presented by A Amateur MA, B Eng, DSc, ABC, EIEIO and so on and so forth.

Secondly, learn one topic very well. You’d think to be an expert on everything you’d have to learn everything but this is far from the truth. You can in fact appear to be an expert just by directing the comments towards whatever you know. You see it with pundits and talking heads even yours truly. You can be amazed how far in-depth knowledge of the sexual practices of bottle-nosed dolphins can take you in a panel discussion of east Asian trade talks.

Thirdly, nobble the competition. You say there may be another writer starting soon. Well this is your gravy-train sunshine and you will have to defend it. The first step would be to subtly change your style to sound a little like the new guy if possible even do the same topics but different enough to avoid plagiarism charges. If you can write both like yourself and this interloper then when they are looking to cut costs they are more likely to cut loose your monotonous rival and keep you with your wide range of styles.

Fourthly, and most importantly, get something on the editors, either the company or better yet an individual high up in the decision making. It can be legal, personal, both preferably just as long as it is something that they would want hidden. You don’t then go and confront them.. no! That’s blackmail, and sloppy. What you do is hint at it in your correspondence like for completely random example inserting the words “much like a love-child with a Filipino maid” (Shut up Joe! Ed) into your cover letter. When the offending party reads it they’ll know that you know and that should smooth over acceptance and maybe even add a couple of bucks to your cheque.

I hope that is some help Amateur. If you follow the steps, and there is a little luck on your side you may even be like me and continue to hock the same old crap for years**.

The very best of luck,
Doctor Joe

*Editor’s note: Joe uses the widest and vaguest possible definition of ‘Cured’.

** But word to the wise, if you go into the Agony Uncle Business, I may have to kill you.

To read more Doctor Joe: Agony Uncle or to ask a question yourself click on the link here.    

Doctor Joe: Agony Uncle 20

Doctor Joe: Agony Uncle, constantly looking for a cure*.

Dear Doctor Joe,

A few years back I had dated one of my guy friends. Eventually we broke up because he fell for another girl or rather he claimed that he was never in love with me as he was already in a relationship with that girl. But to be true all my friends, even his friends knew that he referred to me as his girlfriend. But now the problem is not with him, but with another guy whom I’ve recently met. We have talked a lot (even sometimes messaged for the whole day). I like him. But he seems a lot like my ex. Maybe he’s trustworthy or maybe even he thinks me nothing more than a friend. I guess he has a crush on a girl too. Or I might be wrong as well. Maybe I’m just disbelieving him too much. Recently, I have even argued with him on these trusting issues. He said it’s my life, who’s he to interfere. I can do anything with it. But what I can’t tell him is that I like him. He still calls me, sends me messages, waits to talk to me. But if he doesn’t really like me back, then it would again be a case of unrequited love. What do I do? I can’t confess my love. But is there a way to know his feelings? I have no idea of it as I don’t know his friends much. Is he actually worth trusting? But this time if I’m betrayed, I will be totally broken. I can’t risk it. But there’s also an old saying that once someone starts falling in love, he/she can’t stop it. I’m confused. Please help me.

Dear Anonymous,

You write a lot in this question , but I sense that it boils down to just this one, “Will this new guy be just like my old boyfriend?” Well; the short answer is, yes, he will be. The fact of the matter anonymous, is that all men, every single one of us thinks and acts pretty much the same way. We are all, immoral, sex-crazed, sleaze bags with wandering eyes and itchy zipper fingers. It’s just that some men are better at hiding that than others.

That is not to say that all men are destined to fly off with the fist harlot they see but the reality is they are more likely to do so unless you follow these easy steps.

1) Slut up: I know I repeat this a lot but you can’t really beat dressing slutty for keeping a man on a short lease. If you can actually act slutty for him too, well then he will be yours for life.

2) Un-train him: This is easiest when you get the guy straight from Mommy but with work it can be successful with any man. You do everything for him, and I mean everything, from ironing his socks to filling out his tax returns. Remember; a man is only as mobile as his options. If he can’t boil an egg without your help. His options won’t go very far indeed.

3) Go Crazy: This is the option with which I have had the most experience. The first thing is don’t start crazy, build up to it. Make sure you leave him a good month to get settled before you start texting him at three AM with pictures of the new knife you bought “Just for him” and remember don’t go the sissy route and say that you’ll kill yourself if he leaves. You have to make it clear You will kill HIM if he leaves. I speak from experience when I say, if leaving you means that I will wake up with a horse’s head in my bed then I will seriously reconsider doing it.

I hope that helps Anonymous
The very best of luck,

Doctor Joe

* Editor’s note: It’s just under the skirts of attractive women for some reason.

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