Doctor Joe: Agony Uncle Christmas Edition

by joetwo

Doctor Joe: Agony Uncle, Ho Ho Ho!*

Today, considering the season and how many of you, my dear readers will be in need of solid advice I have decided to answer not one, not two, not five, but four, yes four of your festive themed questions. I hope you find the answers as informative as always.

Doctor Joe

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Dear Doctor Joe,

Our Christmas party is coming up and I have to say that I am very nervous. There is a guy from abroad who has been working with us these past few months. I really like him and I think he likes me but we have both been too shy to do anything about it. The problem is that he is due to go home in the new year and this party will be my last chance. What will I do?

Single Susan,

Dear Single Susan,

Ah yes! The Christmas party, where drinks flow, inhibitions are lowered and affections spread like STDs, which funnily enough also get spread quite effectively. That night, capturing the attention of your man will be like shooting inebriated fish in a barrel. All you need to do, and I can’t stress this enough, is slut up. I’m talking slutty Mrs Clause here, the fish nets and all. With a few drinks on him, one look at you and he will be on you like a fat man on fried chicken. Well, if not him then that married philanderer from accounts. Either way you win.

Good luck Susan and Happy hunting,

Doctor Joe

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Dear Doctor Joe,

I am at my wit’s end. My partner is set to go for his workplace Christmas party this Friday. While I trust him when he out normally, some of his workmates are real party animals and I am afraid they would be a bad influence. I know that last year they ended up in a strip club and that some of them used the party as an excuse to sleep around.

My partner said that he had nothing to do with it but I’m terrified that something like that could happen again and he wouldn’t be able to resist the temptation. I can’t go because they have a strict, “no baggage” rule for the night but he is looking forward to it so much that even though I am so worried about it I can’t ask him not to go.

Can you please help me?

Worried Wanda

Dear Worried Wanda,

Let me get this straight. Your partner is planning on going to a party where there will be strippers and drunken debauchery abound and you think this is a bad thing?…. I honestly don’t get it. But still, I suppose you may have a teeny-weeny, titchy, entirely overreacting,  sense of objection to it and want to keep an eye on your man. There are a few ways you can set about doing this.

Firstly; you could just go. I know they said you couldn’t but I have had girlfriends who never quite grasped the concept of “Stay away from me”. You may think that your partner will be miffed at this intrusion but I have memories from those relationships that will stay with me always, and scars that will never heal.

Secondly; you could spy on him covertly. This could be from a distance, shadowing his every move from pub to pub or it could very well be up close, especially if you disguise yourself appropriately. You may think that he will spot you but I very much doubt that he will notice anything, I mean, who ever looks at the face of a stripper? If there still are reservations remember if your partner is occupied stuffing fifties down your knickers, he won’t be getting up to any mischief, will he?

Thirdly; If you have neither the confidence or acting ability to get away spying on him yourself then I would suggest you hire in outside help. Considering the time of year, little people in elf costumes would be your best bet, almost certain to be taken in by your partner’s friends and given a front row seat on any misadventures. You can hire professional little people from any number of reputable Rent-A-Midget or child actor agencies but if money is an issue then any spare kid you have lying around could be roped in for this purpose. A word to the wise however, I would recommend that you properly indemnify yourself against any injuries your agent may suffer over the course of the night. I did not do so, there was an elf-tossing incident, and lets just say, it cost me.

Whatever you decide Wanda, the very best of luck.

Doctor Joe

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Dear Doctor Joe,

Christmas is coming and so is the ultimate family row. We have two children, both boys and the two of them have asked Santa for very expensive presents. Unfortunately, we don’t have the money to buy them both. I love the idea of Santa and it would kill me if they are disappointed. I don’t know what to do. Please help.

Panicked Parent

Dear Panicked Parent,

I didn’t think I’d have to lay this down for you but the answer is staring right in front of you. If you are only able to afford the present for one of your kids then just get the one, for your favourite. “But we don’t have a favourite” You tell me “We love each of our kids equally.” Bullshit. Every parent has a favourite, even yours. If it seemed to you that your parents did not have a favourite that is because you were the favourite and you were held above all your siblings. You might as well face reality and lets your sprogs figure out that there are winners and losers in life.

Still; if you are going to delude yourself over playing favourites well there are ways to get presents which are practically what they want. All you need to do is go down to the local Asian black market and there you will be able to get the very latest Sonee Playstop, Y-Box two, or Transshaper toy at a mere fraction of the cost of the “legitimate” brands. You’d be a fool not to.

If neither of those appeal to you and you still want to promote a sense of wonder in Santa. Why not call on another fictional visitor, a scary house burglar. This Christmas Eve, instead of laying down presents, why not break open your door, take everything of value and leave a great big shit on the living room rug. Santa visited sure enough, but the bad men took away all the presents. Problem solved.

The very best of luck Panicked and Merry Christmas.

Doctor Joe

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Dear Doctor Joe,

My wife and I are dreading Christmas this year because of the bad influences our children get exposed to. I know family is meant to be important but my father in law has started drinking heavily since my wife’s mother died and it is really started to affect him. Last year he was an absolute mess and sat in the corner smelling of drink, using foul language and making inappropriate suggestions at my poor mother. I shudder to think what my young children are learning from this. I know they have gotten at least few choice words out of this. I know it is a terrible option but I am seriously considering not inviting him here this year, even my wife is agreeing with me.

What should I do?

Despairing Dad

Dear Despairing Dad,

Ah! What would Christmas be without the obligatory drunken relative, sipping heavy spirits and pissing himself before the Bond movie starts. These are hallowed traditions that should not be cast aside so readily but I can understand that this can cause problems especially when there are kids involved. But while it is traditional to have family present in your home, there is nothing in the fine print saying that they have to be conscious. Here’s what you should do; get onto google and look up Doctor Joe’s Patented brain cell killer, easily the strongest cocktail known to man (I suggest you give yourself a couple of weeks since Tibetan yak oil can take a while to ship). You whip up one of these before your old man shows up and he will be out like a light and silent in five minutes flat, not to wake until . A note on dosage, please make sure that he only drinks one glass. Any more and he’ll be gone for good, though so well-preserved you’ll save on embalming costs.

I hope that helps Despairing, The best of luck,

Doctor Joe

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*Editors Note: While he’s writing that he’s wearing a Santa hat, nothing but a Santa hat….

To read more from Doctor Joe or to ask a question yourself you need only click on the link here.

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