Joe2stories

Stories from a Dublin Scientist

Month: July, 2015

Picture it and Write: Photo Op

Hi there. This is my offering for this week’s Picture it and Write from Ermilia’s blog here. Once again the picture is not mine, it is from here, I only use it for inspiration. Anyway Enjoy!

Photo Op

“Are you sure I have to eat these?” The minister said through the side of his mouth. Before him were three plates. Two with fish heads, the other with a fish tail. There were about a hundred journalists in the press room, twenty cameras staring straight at him. They were all waiting.

His chief aide whispered from his right, the movement of her mouth barely shifting her smile, “Sir you agreed to this. Most of the toxins from the spill ended up in those parts of the fish. If you eat them publicly, maybe you persuade people to still eat our fish.”

He smiled again at the cameras and looked at the plate again. Christ! He thought, They don’t even look like they have been cooked. The cook could have covered them up, made them looks as little like what they were as possible. But then; wasn’t that the point.

“Minister!” The aide again, “They’re waiting!”

He thought of eating the fish heads and thought of another meeting with the fishermen’s union, he could not really figure out which one was more unpleasant. Best not hold it off any longer. He skewered a fish head on his fork. Held it up next to the big fat smile on his face, and took a great big bite out of it.

He chewed, expecting the flavour to be horrid but the juices flowed down the back of his palate and… It was not too bad. He swallowed and finished the other head with one big bite. The tail, though boney, likewise went down easy.

The Press seemed vaguely disappointed when the minster gave a short speech how everyone should have “confidence in our fish” and left the podium. As he walked out he got a quick word with his aide, “That was Gastón’s work, wasn’t it?”

“Yes Minster.” She said “He’s a miracle worker isn’t he?”

He looked back at the Cameramen and a thought passed through his head. “Hey.” He turned to address the press  “Since I enjoyed my quick snack so much. I think it is only fair to invite the CEO of Diagon Chemicals for the same meal. Say, this time tomorrow.”

There was a some murmurs from the journalist and more than one chuckle. “He’ll have to take up your offer now.” His aide remarked, “I’ll tell Gastón to make more of the same for him.”

“Oh no!” The minister said with a glint in his eye, “No need to trouble him. Regular fish heads and tails will do.”   

image

 

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Mission

The starship moved closer to the anomaly, waiting for the sensors to report.

The pilot’s phone rang.

“Listen. I’m Future you. You’ve something important to do.”

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Written for The Grammar Ghoul Press Shapeshifter 13 #10

Copychimp

The chimpanzee stuck its finger deep into its nostril and had a good rummage.

Bill removed his finger from his own nose then took an olive from a bowl and squeezed it.

The chimp mirrored his actions though it had no olive of its own.

“Fred!” He called “Wilma’s copying me again.”

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Written for The Grammar Ghoul Press Shapeshifting 13 number 8

Slag off

The two men sat opposite each other, the air between them tingling with anticipation. The first one coughed and began.

“You sir; are a buffoon. You’re a fool and a clown. You make me laugh such is the idiocy of your words.”

His colleague grimaced and replied.

“You; on the other hand, are ugly. So hideous in fact, I must steel myself every time I look upon your unfortunate features. There are boils on the backsides of warthogs more comely.”

“You smell like the rotten entrails of a gangrenous goat.”

“You sing like tone-deaf cat being thrown through a printing press.”

“Your clothes remind me of regurgitated treacle sprinkled with glitter.”

“Your hair is in the style of a hedge that has been used for the home of a particularly unkempt family of raccoons for a year.”

“You’re fatter than a whale who has really let himself go.”

“You’re thinner than a rake with an eating disorder.”

“You are the most lecherous, most debauched, most gleefully evil man I know. I’m sure the devil must come to you from time to time for pointers.”

“I’m sure the devil spends far more of his time interviewing you on the fine art of corruption. I must ask; is there anything you will not gladly sell for a price?”

“Indeed there is. Your cooking is something no amount of money can persuade me to taste. What on Earth makes you able to stomach it? Are you mad, or just so drunk your tastebuds have given up?

“I drink because it is only way I can tolerate your inane drivel. You have all the oratorical skills of a deranged dolphin, how you have not already been stabbed in the face several times is beyond me.”

“If there is anyone liable to be stabbed in this room it is you. How many men’s wives have you slept with in the past year? Are you in any way discerning about which pocket in which you place your tools. You are truly a whoremonger extraordinaire.”

“Prude”

“Man-Slut”

“Dead below the waist.”

“Dead above the waist”

“Cretin”

“Drunkard”

“You have all the sexual allure of a mummified duck.”

“You have the libido of a drunken bull.”

“You’re an idiot.”

“You’re a maniac”

“You are a carbuncle on society.”

“You’re a festering sore in this room.”

“Your smile makes babies cry.”

“Your teeth gives children nightmares.”

“There is no one I know like you.”

“And there is no one like you either.”

The two men stood up and shook hands.

“It was a good one today Bob” the first man said, “those were some zingers.”

“Right back at you Bill” said the second, “You kept me on my toes.”

“See you tomorrow.”

“See you tomorrow.”

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Written for the Grammar Ghoul Press Mutant 750 challenge  #40.