Doctor Joe: Agony Uncle 20

by joetwo

Doctor Joe: Agony Uncle, constantly looking for a cure*.

Dear Doctor Joe,

A few years back I had dated one of my guy friends. Eventually we broke up because he fell for another girl or rather he claimed that he was never in love with me as he was already in a relationship with that girl. But to be true all my friends, even his friends knew that he referred to me as his girlfriend. But now the problem is not with him, but with another guy whom I’ve recently met. We have talked a lot (even sometimes messaged for the whole day). I like him. But he seems a lot like my ex. Maybe he’s trustworthy or maybe even he thinks me nothing more than a friend. I guess he has a crush on a girl too. Or I might be wrong as well. Maybe I’m just disbelieving him too much. Recently, I have even argued with him on these trusting issues. He said it’s my life, who’s he to interfere. I can do anything with it. But what I can’t tell him is that I like him. He still calls me, sends me messages, waits to talk to me. But if he doesn’t really like me back, then it would again be a case of unrequited love. What do I do? I can’t confess my love. But is there a way to know his feelings? I have no idea of it as I don’t know his friends much. Is he actually worth trusting? But this time if I’m betrayed, I will be totally broken. I can’t risk it. But there’s also an old saying that once someone starts falling in love, he/she can’t stop it. I’m confused. Please help me.

Dear Anonymous,

You write a lot in this question , but I sense that it boils down to just this one, “Will this new guy be just like my old boyfriend?” Well; the short answer is, yes, he will be. The fact of the matter anonymous, is that all men, every single one of us thinks and acts pretty much the same way. We are all, immoral, sex-crazed, sleaze bags with wandering eyes and itchy zipper fingers. It’s just that some men are better at hiding that than others.

That is not to say that all men are destined to fly off with the fist harlot they see but the reality is they are more likely to do so unless you follow these easy steps.

1) Slut up: I know I repeat this a lot but you can’t really beat dressing slutty for keeping a man on a short lease. If you can actually act slutty for him too, well then he will be yours for life.

2) Un-train him: This is easiest when you get the guy straight from Mommy but with work it can be successful with any man. You do everything for him, and I mean everything, from ironing his socks to filling out his tax returns. Remember; a man is only as mobile as his options. If he can’t boil an egg without your help. His options won’t go very far indeed.

3) Go Crazy: This is the option with which I have had the most experience. The first thing is don’t start crazy, build up to it. Make sure you leave him a good month to get settled before you start texting him at three AM with pictures of the new knife you bought “Just for him” and remember don’t go the sissy route and say that you’ll kill yourself if he leaves. You have to make it clear You will kill HIM if he leaves. I speak from experience when I say, if leaving you means that I will wake up with a horse’s head in my bed then I will seriously reconsider doing it.

I hope that helps Anonymous
The very best of luck,

Doctor Joe

* Editor’s note: It’s just under the skirts of attractive women for some reason.

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