Capricorn (22 December-20 January): Unexpected things are coming. Dark, unexpected things… Dress warm.
Aquarius (21 January-19 February): You will filled with a surprising but not entirely unpleasant feeling of warmth when an ex-wife sets you on fire.
Pisces (20 February – 20 March): You have been too dependent on others and you will find that to be happy you don’t need all your family, friends and most surprisingly, bones.
Aries (21 March – 20 April): Love is in the air, spreading all around you, much like that rash you really should have looked at.
Taurus (21 April – 21 May): You will be an inspiration to generations. Future text books will provide you as the prime example of the absolutely wrong way to inseminate a camel.
Gemini (22 May – 21 June): The stars thought about telling you what’s going to happen but they think the look on your face will be much funnier if it takes you by surprise.
Cancer (22 June – 23 July): You are an unstoppable force, determined and strong willed. Much like the freight-train that will hit you Tuesday morning.
Leo (24 July – 23 August): There is a grand connection, a link that joins all people in the world. That is a desire to slap you in the face.
Virgo (24 August – 23 September): Your friends will be a force for good in your life, when they finally hold an intervention about your sex-doll collection.
Libra (24 September – 23 October): You will find that little white lies can make novel social experiences go much smoother when a hooker tells you she’s clean.
Scorpio (24 October – 22 November): You know when people tell you it’s not the end of the world? On Friday they’ll be in for a hell of a surprise.
Sagittarius (23 November – 21 December): A career change is in sight when you discover a surprising and improbably mutual affinity for manatees.