Slag off

by joetwo

The two men sat opposite each other, the air between them tingling with anticipation. The first one coughed and began.

“You sir; are a buffoon. You’re a fool and a clown. You make me laugh such is the idiocy of your words.”

His colleague grimaced and replied.

“You; on the other hand, are ugly. So hideous in fact, I must steel myself every time I look upon your unfortunate features. There are boils on the backsides of warthogs more comely.”

“You smell like the rotten entrails of a gangrenous goat.”

“You sing like tone-deaf cat being thrown through a printing press.”

“Your clothes remind me of regurgitated treacle sprinkled with glitter.”

“Your hair is in the style of a hedge that has been used for the home of a particularly unkempt family of raccoons for a year.”

“You’re fatter than a whale who has really let himself go.”

“You’re thinner than a rake with an eating disorder.”

“You are the most lecherous, most debauched, most gleefully evil man I know. I’m sure the devil must come to you from time to time for pointers.”

“I’m sure the devil spends far more of his time interviewing you on the fine art of corruption. I must ask; is there anything you will not gladly sell for a price?”

“Indeed there is. Your cooking is something no amount of money can persuade me to taste. What on Earth makes you able to stomach it? Are you mad, or just so drunk your tastebuds have given up?

“I drink because it is only way I can tolerate your inane drivel. You have all the oratorical skills of a deranged dolphin, how you have not already been stabbed in the face several times is beyond me.”

“If there is anyone liable to be stabbed in this room it is you. How many men’s wives have you slept with in the past year? Are you in any way discerning about which pocket in which you place your tools. You are truly a whoremonger extraordinaire.”



“Dead below the waist.”

“Dead above the waist”



“You have all the sexual allure of a mummified duck.”

“You have the libido of a drunken bull.”

“You’re an idiot.”

“You’re a maniac”

“You are a carbuncle on society.”

“You’re a festering sore in this room.”

“Your smile makes babies cry.”

“Your teeth gives children nightmares.”

“There is no one I know like you.”

“And there is no one like you either.”

The two men stood up and shook hands.

“It was a good one today Bob” the first man said, “those were some zingers.”

“Right back at you Bill” said the second, “You kept me on my toes.”

“See you tomorrow.”

“See you tomorrow.”

Written for the Grammar Ghoul Press Mutant 750 challenge  #40.