Capricorn (22 December-20 January): The unexpected will alter the familiar this week when you’re attacked by a tiger in the supermarket.
Aquarius (21 January-19 February): Your life will be filled with ups and downs until you are finally dragged off the roller-coaster.
Pisces (20 February – 20 March): Nobody loves you. Not even your mother. She told the stars last week.
Aries (21 March – 20 April): Great fortune will come your way next month when you’re crushed by a falling crate of money.
Taurus (21 April – 21 May): You have never been one to play by the rules. That is why you’ve been in prison so often.
Gemini (22 May – 21 June): DEAR GOD!!!! DON’T LOOK BEHIND YOU!!!
Cancer (22 June – 23 July): The elephant in the room in your marriage turns out to be, ironically enough, a camel in the backyard.
Leo (24 July – 23 August): They say love knows no borders. You will find out that neither does mindless hate when a team of international delegates show up to beat you to within an inch of your life.
Virgo (24 August – 23 September): When bad things happen next week remember, it’s not the end of the world, only the end of your life.
Libra (24 September – 23 October): Positive thoughts are essential to get through trying times ahead. If you believe the bullets won’t hit you, then maybe they won’t.
Scorpio (24 October – 22 November): A celebrity will make make an appearance in your life when [removed after legal advice] take you to [removed after legal advice] and you drink so much [removed after legal advice] that you both [removed after legal advice] all over [removed after legal advice].
Sagittarius (23 November – 21 December): In an unprecedented and highly progressive interdenominational move tomorrow, the leaders of all the major faiths will come together to declare your singing an abomination against creation.