Capricorn (22 December-20 January): They say life is full of surprises. The fact that you have survived this long has certainly been a shock to a great many.
Aquarius (21 January-19 February): The stars foresee a new relationship in your life closer than any you’ve had before. They’re confident you’ll come to love your new tapeworm.
Pisces (20 February – 20 March): Romance beckons to you this week. It will then see that it called you over, make a pathetic excuse, and hurriedly walk away.
Aries (21 March – 20 April): You may think it a smart move for a Halloween costume, but dressing as a deer in the hunting capital of the world? That’s a recipe for disaster.
Taurus (21 April – 21 May): You will reach a new level of educational attainment this week. It’s about time too. No one should spend that much time in primary school.
Gemini (22 May – 21 June): New opportunities will present themselves this week when you find that you can sell your organs for a tidy sum.
Cancer (22 June – 23 July): There will be new complications in your love-life. Sourcing the pool of yoghurt alone will tax your time considerably.
Leo (24 July – 23 August): They say bears can smell fear. You will find next week that they also have a good sense for your bull-shit.
Virgo (24 August – 23 September): Smile and the whole world smiles with you. Or in your case, gets incredibly freaked out and backs away slowly.
Libra (24 September – 23 October): People say that nothing provides comfort and security better than the love of your partner. But next week, as the zombies break down your door the stars think you’ll rather have a shotgun.
Scorpio (24 October – 22 November): You love the great outdoors which will be fortunate as you shall soon become homeless.
Sagittarius (23 November – 21 December): Expect the unexpected. That should make the same boring crap that always happens a bit of a surprise.