Capricorn (22 December-20 January): The stars warn that leaving the house tomorrow will bring you certain doom. Staying inside is certain doom too but at least you’ll be comfortable.
Aquarius (21 January-19 February): You will be forcefully ordained as a minister next week after you enter a bar right behind a priest and a rabbi.
Pisces (20 February – 20 March): Have you ever heard of the straw that broke the camel’s back? Well this weekend you will be the schmuck who broke the traffic cop’s sanity.
Aries (21 March – 20 April): In uncertain times you can always depend on family so it will come as no shock when your brother is the first person to sell you out to the mob.
Taurus (21 April – 21 May): Your lucky number is six which is in fact also the number of intact bones you will have left at the end of the week.
Gemini (22 May – 21 June): Your penchant for piercings will take a tragic turn when you walk by a powerful magnet next Tuesday.
Cancer (22 June – 23 July): We all have unique feature we are proud of but the stars ask that you stop showing people your distended anus. That’s disgusting.
Leo (24 July – 23 August): Did you know that an average human can recover with less than one-quarter of their liver remaining. Keep that in mind for tomorrow.
Virgo (24 August – 23 September): The stars say love is on the way for you. It is six-foot five, covered in tattoos and will not take “No” for an answer.
Libra (24 September – 23 October): It is normal for a first-time parent to be alarmed at any unusual behaviour in their infant. However; even the stars are concerned how yours got their hands on that submachine gun.
Scorpio (24 October – 22 November): They say the N.S.A. watches everything that you do so could you please do something more interesting than reorganise your CD collection every evening.
Sagittarius (23 November – 21 December): A shooting star will fall from the heavens next week granting the wish of a great many people when it hits you square in the nuts.