Doctor Joe: Agony Uncle 18

by joetwo

Doctor Joe: Agony Uncle; Covered under most major health plans*.

Dear Agony Uncle,

I was weeding my backyard yesterday and I came across some large bones. Should I cover it up with manure or ring the authorities? They’re definitely not the remains of a bucket of chicken from KFC.


Dear Ermi,

I’m going to start by asking you, are you sure you didn’t put the bones there? Many times; I have woken up after a night out to find myself covered in blood, a strange knife in my hand and NO BODY! I figure I must have buried it somewhere when I was still zoned out and all I could do was clean up the mess, place the new knife in my hiding place with all the others, and remember to act surprised when some bozo and his dog stumbled upon the body.

But assuming you had nothing to do with the bones getting there (Check your memory; be certain!) you can still turn them to your advantage. It differs depending on the jurisdiction, but sometimes, the authorities will pay handsomely for the evidence of a past crime, a finder’s fee if you will. In that case I would say definitely go to the authorities. If however; the police aren’t going to pony up the dough then why should you use up your valuable time just for the ‘civic good’?

But there’s good news Ermi! If the government won’t cough up for bones of questionable providence, there are plenty of people who will. Anatomists, criminology enthusiasts, collectors of the macabre, not to mention extreme necrophiliacs, will all be willing to pay handsomely for your new windfall.

You don’t even have to sell it. Why not display it instead? Hang up some curtains in your garage, add a little mood lighting and hang up the bones any way you see fit (You may fret about putting them up in the right order but don’t worry; it would probably look better if you don’t!) and start welcoming paying tourists to your town’s latest tourist attraction.
Whatever route you decide. There are so many possibilities that you cannot help but turn that bone find into a gold mine.

The very best of luck.
Doctor Joe

*Editor’s note: Just refer to it as ‘Alternative therapy’. That’s what it is…. sort of.

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