Doctor Joe: Agony Uncle 17

by joetwo

Doctor Joe: Agony Uncle; He’s got just the medicine for you*.

Dear Dr Joe,

I met a young man at an art exhibition recently, we got talking and it turned out he was a poet, how romantic! I couldn’t resist asking for his number and we have been seeing each other since.

A few days ago he had a confession to make, that he was in fact not the romantic poet that stole my attention at the exhibition, but he had a job that he didn’t feel he could share with me intially. A clamper! I mean honestly, you meet this dashing young gentleman at an art exhibition, romancing you with poems, you tell all your friends! Then you find out he’s a clamper! and his romantic words must have been stolen!

Dr.Joe I don’t know what to do, how do I even tell my friends? Could use your advice.

Feeling betrayed,



Dear Steph,

I’d like to first tell you that I understand your pain. Kind of. I once dated a convicted triple murderess and necrophiliac. I know that is not as bad as dating a clamper, but that feeling of social rejection were almost the same. I felt sometimes that the shame of going out with her was too much to bare. But fear not Steph for I found that there were benefits to having such an odious partner.

Firstly, it can be cheap. Clampers I can imagine tend to be very selective about where the go on a night out. You never know when you will run into a former “client” and get the face knocked off you so you have to go to places where the patrons are likely to not have cars. Hence the art gallery opening. If the people getting there had to walk Steph then they are not likely to be charging six quid for a glass of water are they?

Secondly, they try harder. I notice Steph, that you automatically assume that this clamper must have stolen these poems for you. What if he did write them? What if, in face of all the hatred and loathing that he faces day to day, he developed poetry as an escape. He might be a soulless, ignorant, hate-filled, son of a bitch but maybe he is a soulless, ignorant, hate-filled, son of a bitch with a sensitive side. Alternatively he could be just writing them in an effort to get into your knickers. In which case; A for effort.

Thirdly and finally, there’s an easy escape route. In many a relationship, circumstances can mean it can be tricky to leave at an appropriate time. Meaning that a dead relationship can continue on for weeks even months after it should have died a death. Not in your case Steph. When you think it’s over all you have to do is let slip to a few of the neighbours what it is your man does for a living. Remember; when times get tough. You’re only one unexplained fire away from singledom.

I hope you reconsider your position Steph and learn to take full advantage of the perks of dating one as shunned as a clamper. Though; just to point out, that will not include getting your car unclamped for free. He is a clamper after all and you can’t change the laws of nature.

The very best of luck,
Doctor Joe

*Editor’s note: If you start feeling light-headed after taking it. Doctor Joe made a mistake; that’s elephant tranquilizer. Sorry about that.

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