Capricorn (22 December-20 January): The stars are all for you going that extra mile for the one you love. Joining that cult; however, may have been a step to far.
Aquarius (21 January-19 February): For the last time; the correct answer to that question is “Why no Honey! Your Bum does not look big in that!”
Pisces (20 February – 20 March): Mars will rise in your sign this week enabling it to look right through your bathroom skylight while you change. It will be most complimentary.
Aries (21 March – 20 April): They laughed at you when you started dabbling in magic. After you have summoned the Dark Lord who is laughing now? Well actually he is! No one else wins in this situation. You really should have thought this through more.
Taurus (21 April – 21 May): The horrible events of next week may come as a shock to you, however everyone else would have seen it coming for months and some would have even brought popcorn with them to watch.
Gemini (22 May – 21 June): The stars know that you don’t often surrender yourself to a higher power but you know what they say, if Judge Judy can’t solve your problem, no one can.
Cancer (22 June – 23 July): Turn left now. Not that left! The other left! God! Now you have to turn around and go back!
Leo (24 July – 23 August): Try and be optimistic about the events of last week. I mean; who really needs a pancreas?
Virgo (24 August – 23 September): We all know to be safe practising sex. But you have to admit the full suit of armour is probably overkill.
Libra (24 September – 23 October): You will meet your school sweetheart and be surprised that she is a single parent. You’re still not going to admit that child is yours, aren’t you?
Scorpio (24 October – 22 November): Congratulations! With those extra epaulettes you have elevated yourself from a crime against fashion to a crime against humanity.
Sagittarius (23 November – 21 December): They say good things come to those who wait. However all you have to show for your waiting is a nasty case of pneumonia and atrophied legs.