Doctor Joe: Agony Uncle 16

by joetwo

Doctor Joe: Agony Uncle, you can run but you can’t hide*.

Dear Doctor Joe,
The situation is dire; my brother has abandoned all reason and has been going out with the head cheerleader, and we all know what she gets on with all those after school activities. This is so cliché but as a concerned elder younger sister I have to do something but it must be covert. Do you have any suggestions to oust the tramp out of his life?



Dear Buffy,

Let me get this straight! Your brother had managed to bag a slutty, trampy, cheerleader and you want to take that away from him? You monster!

You see Buffy. There is nothing more beautiful in the whole world than a slutty cheerleader. That magic combination of fit, supple body, loose morals and cheerleader outfit makes her the creme de la creme of all adolescent fantasies not to mention a fair few adult ones. This is the big one, the Everest of sexual conquests, a deed that your brother will have fond memories of for the rest of his life. And you want to fuck it up?

I cannot understand it, but my word and a contractual obligation means I have to offer my assistance, even for something as mean-spirited as this. But I have to tell you I’m not happy about it!

First thing to realise Buffy; he will not leave her. Not a chance! This is too much of a good thing to abandon for any reason. He would rather have his fingernails ripped off one by one than do it. In fact, I suspect that he had to go through something like that to get her in the first place ,and did so gladly, so in all that is a non-starter.

She; on the other hand.

Tramps are by their nature trampish and sooner or later this sluttish nature will erode away even the strongest relationship. Soon enough she will move on like the wild, untameable, force of nature that she is, leaving your brother a wistful husk. This is going to happen sooner or later. Here’s how to make it sooner.

First step; start some rumours about other students in your brother’s class. They can be simple enough. For example; “Jim Wilson is hung like a moose with a fifth leg”. They can be as wild as you like, all they need to do is get her thinking.

Second step; Make it so your brother cannot be as attentive a lover as he was. There are a few ways to do this. You can drug him, make up imaginary family emergencies at three in the morning or get your parents to help you with you or your sibling’s homework. The idea is to have him too busy to see her and when he does too tired to do much.

With luck Buffy, in a few short weeks the combination of a constantly tired, unavailable boyfriend and rumours of other fields that are so much greener will lead her to dump him in ideally as humiliating and public a manner as possible.

Your brother will take this badly, as you will imagine, but not for long, for I suspect that he will realise if he has not already that tramps will always move on and sluts are meant to be free. He may not even get angry at you if he finds out because he will still have his memories, and a possible case of herpes as a lasting memorial to the time that he joined that most blessed fraternity of men, those who rode with the trampy cheerleaders.

God bless them!

Doctor Joe


*Editor’s note: Joe’s put booby-traps in every possible hiding place.

To read the rest of Doctor Joe’s columns or to ask a question yourself click the link here.