Doctor Joe: Agony Uncle 14

by joetwo

Doctor Joe: Agony Uncle; Getting down with the good doctor*

Dear Dr Joe,

Why are 90 percent of the problems caused by 10 percent of the people?

Thanks,

Balavh

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Dear Balavh,

That is a very good question Balavh and answered quite simply! It is because approximately ten percent of the people are douchebags. Yes Balavh! That is what they are! They extend across the spectrum of douchebaggery from the minor, amateur douchebag who parks over two spaces or who plays loud jungle music at three in the morning to the higher class, professional douchebag who in concert with their fellow douchebags have brought about such global tragedies as wars, poverty, and the presence of musak in lifts.

I’m sure you’ll agree Balavh that these douchebags have been largely a force for ill for all of our society. But what is to be done with them?

The sad fact is that should we simply line up these douchebags and shoot them in the head (certainly a popular notion) the latent doucheness in others will come to the fore leading to on average the same relative percantage of douchebags. In other words, killing them won’t do any good but perhaps there is a better way.

To deal with a douchebag you must highlight their douchebaggery. First of all you must find the douchebags. The standard signs are an ignorance of others, an inability to hear any argument but their own, and violent rejection of other world views. Once you have identified them the next step is to name them.

The located douchebag must be labelled in all their interactions. Something permanent like a tattoo or brand may suffice for face-to-face while in the media it would be made a requirement that their status would be highlighted in every media appearance. For example “Former Taoiseach Bertie Ahern (douchebag) was noted as saying he thought the media was being biased towards his story.” If there are several douchebags together (a common occurence) this will also have to be noted. For example “President Obama (douchebag) has been required by the supreme court (mostly douchbags) to return emissions legislation to Congress (all douchebags) for a rewrite.”

With their douchebag nature out in the open. The douchebags of the world will be less able to foist their douchey ways on the rest of us. We will see them coming and they will be rendered powerless by it.

The very best of luck.

Doctor Joe

*Editor’s note: Getting back up again will be tricky!

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