Doctor Joe: Agony Uncle 13
Doctor Joe: Agony Uncle, can a fake doctor do this?*
Dear Doctor Joe,
I am at my wits end. My daughter, my pride and joy turns 16 over the weekend and she want to go to a party. I know there will be boys there and I know that she is getting very interested in them. Myself and my wife have both tried to give her ‘the talk’ but she always brushes off our concerns and gets away as quick as she can.
I know she is growing up but why can it be now? I only want her not to make the mistakes we did when we were growing up.
Do you have any advice?
Dear Demented Dad,
I sympathise wholly with your predicament. It is truly hell what the fathers of young ladies go through as their little girls grow up. In every young boy they see coming a courting they recognise themselves and they know damn well what was going through their minds at that age too. I figure if I ever decide to acknowledge any of my multitudes of illegitimate children it will only be the boys, the girls can be that much hassle.
That being said there are ways to keep your daughter from harm. The most commonly used method is the ‘Overly protective father’ routine where you ban her from going out with the intention of keeping her isolated until she reaches the age of majority. The problem is that this method usually backfires leading to rebellion and all that entails.
A better method would be to give her all the freedom she want but to engineer the world to keep her out of trouble. This may involve methods that you may consider downright sneaky but since you read this column I’m going to assume morals won’t be an issue for you.
Your first step would be to have your daughter declared persona non grata by the local fellas. The best way to do this would be to start a malicious rumour concerning her sexual health or hygiene. This can be as simple as going to the local doctor or pharmacist and acquiring treatments for such conditions as crabs, or genital warts. When purchasing make sure to speak “privately” to the cashier about them being for your daughter loud enough for the gossip mongers (you know the type) to hear. For added effect leave the bag under the back seat during the school run so that friends can “Accidentally” see them as well while waiting. Either way the news that your daughter is a no go area will spread much like the fictional crabs that you gave her.
Of course even this may not dissuade all boys. The only real way to keep them off the scent is for her to have a boyfriend. At first read you might think that that would be a defeat. But not necessarily, not if you own this fellow. for starters you probably know the chap. For completeness sake make sure that everyone of you daughter’s male friends have been shown your gun collection, told the story about how you killed a shark with your bare-hands and shown the fifty ways you know how to kill a guy (poking strongly in the listed areas is optional but highly recommended).
They should all be nicely scared of you by the time your daughter takes a shine to one of them but when she chooses a poor sod you should then really get to work on him. Don’t just take him aside when he visit go to his house, sneak into his room and wake him up in the middle of the night. Make it absolutely clear that you would not tolerate anything more than a peck on the cheek from him but that you would also be greatly aggrieved if he was to break her heart. The gist being, stay with her but don’t you dare try anything.
Keeping this up will require work. For example on dates you can be there waiting for him in the male toilets for that added intimidation factor and a picture message of them together sent to his phone with the words “I’m watching you!” would be the least you can do.
But for that minor inconvenience you can rest assured that your daughter is happy and chaste, at least until she goes to college when you can do what every father does in the same situation and pretend nothing at all is happening.
The very best of luck
*Editor’s note: He just jumped up and down. We don’t know why he thinks that makes him a real doctor or how you’d be able to see it.
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