Capricorn (22 December-20 January): You know love is a funny thing. But with you it is also sick, twisted and probably illegal. The odds are even on the anatomical aspects too.
Aquarius (21 January-19 February): They say the whole world is a stage and we the actors in it that would explain how everything you say seems so damn contrived.
Pisces (20 February – 20 March): You said you always wanted a body to die for and now you will when you’re turned into a zombie next week.
Aries (21 March – 20 April): You may not be an oil painting but that doesn’t stop you dissolving away when turpentine is thrown on you tomorrow.
Taurus (21 April – 21 May): You will find happiness with a new love. Yes! A man can love a vintage motorcycle. Let no one judge you.
Gemini (22 May – 21 June): We live in a world that is always changing and leaves little constants to hold on to. That makes your habit of always getting drunk and making out with Janice from accounts so important. Carry on the tradition!
Cancer (22 June – 23 July): You, matches, and a bottle of kerosene. You know that’s going to end badly without the stars having to tell you.
Leo (24 July – 23 August): The stars regret to inform you that they lost your prediction for this week. They swear it was around here somewhere but it has just disappeared. They can’t remember what it was but they think it was important and might involve an act of violence and some ferrets. They’ll get back to you as soon as they find it.
Virgo (24 August – 23 September): Your penchant for double entendres will be you undoing when you die from exhaustion after passing through a sausage merchant’s convention.
Libra (24 September – 23 October): You’ve loved, you’ve lost and all you have to show for it are some tales, some scars and a big pile of money. You’ve done well.
Scorpio (24 October – 22 November): You took a hell of a beating but you were willing to do anything to be named ‘Johnstons ugliest employee’ three years running.
Sagittarius (23 November – 21 December): Monday to Friday will be a nightmare of monsters both from without and within but you will have waffles on Saturday so that will make everything feel all right.