Capricorn (22 December-20 January): Your career will experience unprecedented advancement next week after all three management levels above you are wiped out in a freak elevator accident. Luckily; nobody will ask you too many questions.
Aquarius (21 January-19 February): This month you will find out something you didn’t know about yourself. If only all those orphans didn’t have to die for that to happen. Shame really.
Pisces (20 February – 20 March): Addiction can be a horrible thing. Your addiction to Farmer John’s discount chilli is especially tragic.
Aries (21 March – 20 April): You will feel a profound sense of loss over the coming days. Try not to let it trouble you. They’ll make chocolate eggs again next year.
Taurus (21 April – 21 May): Taurus would like to state that it does not know or have any connection with you. Any further attempt to make contact will be met with the sternest legal response.
Gemini (22 May – 21 June): After ten years you will finally have enough of MC Hammer telling you what you can and cannot touch.
Cancer (22 June – 23 July): Everybody has a skill, even you. Do you think just anybody can blow wind with such precise indelicacy as you?
Leo (24 July – 23 August): A dog is a man’s best friend eh? Does he give predictions as good as your old buddy Leo huh? Well; does he?
Virgo (24 August – 23 September): You’ll be all dressed up and going nowhere when the undertakers leave your body in the morturary… Again!
Libra (24 September – 23 October): Who likes short shorts? You like short shorts!
Scorpio (24 October – 22 November): OK sunshine! Time to commit one way or another. Are you going to stay with this one for life or are you going to stalk other women?
Sagittarius (23 November – 21 December): Practice, dedication, these are needed if you are going to reach your goal of one day being the 100th caller.