Capricorn (22 December-20 January): When job hunting it is important to list all of your accomplishments. That includes all of the pie-eating contests where you have been a ribbon holder.
Aquarius (21 January-19 February): You’re in for a wild few weeks when you’re forced to live in the wilderness with a wolfpack for company.
Pisces (20 February – 20 March): Jupiter’s return to your sign signals your eventual triumph over your problems. Which is big of Jupiter considering that that stripy bastard caused all your problems in the first place.
Aries (21 March – 20 April): Nothing much happens this week. You’ll buy a hat.
Taurus (21 April – 21 May): Beware a stranger bringing gifts. You’ll know him when you see him, he’s the one covered in blood.
Gemini (22 May – 21 June): Adaptation is the order of the day this week when you suddenly find yourself without fingers.
Cancer (22 June – 23 July): You like her. She likes you. You both like bog snorkling. It’s a match made in heaven.
Leo (24 July – 23 August): Do you see the little red button? The one to the right of the screen? For God’s sake; don’t press it!
Virgo (24 August – 23 September): Your dance skills will show no improvement when a medical mixup leaves you with two left feet.
Libra (24 September – 23 October): There is no power on Earth greater than the love of a mother for her child but even she has come to loath the sound of your voice in the morning.
Scorpio (24 October – 22 November): Your love-life will take a whole new dimension after you finally get your blow-up doll to inflate.
Sagittarius (23 November – 21 December): Big things are coming to you. Multi-ton things in fact. You might want to keep an eye out.