Doctor Joe: Agony Uncle 10

by joetwo

Doctor Joe: Agony Uncle, Solves the problems of the rich and famous*.

Dear Doctor Joe,

I need to lose at least 5kg in 2 weeks so I’ll look good in my swimsuit for our vacation.  What do you think is the best thing to do to achieve this?

Supposedly Dieting Karen


Dear Supposedly Dieting Karen,

The very first thought to come to mind is that 5kg is approximately the mass of a human leg from slightly above the knee. If you can get that lopped off cleanly (I know a guy) that is your weight-loss goal right there and then.

I am aware though that some people may not find the idea of having only one leg very attractive (I don’t know why not; think of the possibilities!) so perhaps another method might be more appropriate.

One way to do it would be to take on a crack habit. The weight loss really is quite substantial and you will lose those stubborn kilos and more especially after your teeth start falling out.

But I know your planning a vacation so your budget might be a little tight for substance abuse. Why not take on the lifestyle of a crack addict without the addiction itself? Yes Karen; leave your home and live on the street for the next two weeks, begging for money and fighting with other homeless for scraps out of rubbish bins. Not only will the daily struggle for a crust of bread melt away those unwanted kilos but you will also save a lot by not spending on those non-essentials such as heat, clothes, a roof over your head and proper nutrition. A word to the wise, some of that money might be well invested in a good makeup artist just prior to your trip. Just to hide the sallow complexion, heavy bruising and bite marks which are standard side effects of this novel weight loss program.

Whatever your decision good luck with the weight-loss and I hope you enjoy your holiday.

Doctor Joe

*Editor’s note: Rich idiots mostly; of which there are a surprisingly large number.

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