Doctor Joe: Agony Uncle 8

by joetwo

Doctor Joe: Agony Uncle, ask the expert*.

Dear Doctor Joe,

What is the best way to learn a new language and become fluent in it, and to do it as quickly as possible?

What do you recommend?


Polyglot Polly


Dear Polyglot Polly,

I have always been of the ‘sink or swim’ school of thought on these kinds of things. There is no doubting it; the best way to learn a language is to throw yourself in with the natives and try and muddle your way through life in the local lingo. No matter how tough at first; within a few short weeks you will have the rudimentary basics of the language down.

Of course; that is when the danger sets in. Once you have the essential phrases like “Hello”, “What does this cost?”, “Where is the police station?” or “How much for a threesome with you and your sister?” You may find your drive to learn diminishing somewhat. To prevent that I recommend the following action.

Get yourself arrested!

This can be more easily said than done but is very much worth it. Yes siree! Nothing beats a new language into you (Literally!) better than the hard batons of the local constabulary. With their help you will master such phrases as “Talk damn you!” “Get the pliers!” and “Let’s show you what real pain is!” In situations that you are never likely to forget.

Getting before a judge and sent to prison would be an added bonus. Not only will you be exposed to the formal language of the court room. But you will also experience a more intimate domestic style of speaking when you find yourself the bitch of a gang leader.

So Polly! Hop on that plane, break a law or two, and before you know it, you will be crying out for consular assistance in a whole other language.

The very best of luck with your linguistic endeavours.

Doctor Joe

*Editors note: Before the expert arrives ask Joe a question!

To read Doctor Joe’s other columns or ask him a question check out the link here.