Capricorn (22 December-20 January): You will take an unexpected trip next week when you once again fail to mind the step in your house.
Aquarius (21 January-19 February): You will astound friends when you start dating an underwear model. But you did not do it for them. You really do care for the adult diapers lady.
Pisces (20 February – 20 March): After months of constant mimicking you will finally reach your breaking point and give that parrot what’s coming to him.
Aries (21 March – 20 April): They say the camera adds ten pounds but that still won’t stop the hurt when papers start referring to you as ‘The Chubby Flasher’.
Taurus (21 April – 21 May): Like a bolt out of the blue you will be struck by a bolt out of the blue.
Gemini (22 May – 21 June): From next Tuesday you will discover the cosmic reason why you have always carried a giant gopher costume in the boot of your car.
Cancer (22 June – 23 July): The stars will smile upon your new business venture. Whatever people say there is always room for another brothel.
Leo (24 July – 23 August): Your unusual branch of fandom will suffer an excruciating blow when the city council street sanitation committee stops allowing you to attend their meetings.
Virgo (24 August – 23 September): The universe itself and all its inhabitants will direct their wrath at you when you once again insist on using the wrong pronunciation for ‘devour’.
Libra (24 September – 23 October): An unstoppable force meeting an immoveable object will leave a nasty mess when you find yourself in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Scorpio (24 October – 22 November): The admission that you were adopted will not come as quite so much of a shock to you considering that your parents were so much more attractive and intelligent than you. Not to mention the webbed toes.
Sagittarius (23 November – 21 December): You will have a strange flashback to the tales of your childhood when your grandmother is eaten by a cross-dressing wolf.