by joetwo

Back before divorce was legal in Ireland, couples who had come to despise the sight of each other did not have many options. Separation was a possibility but one had to move out lock, stock and barrel, surrendering all rights to what they left behind. This was an extreme move for anyone and the thinking was that it was better for the other party to leave. This lead to a number of ‘interesting’ disputes.

Take John and Mary Nolan, formerly of Bray. Married ten years. No children; he blamed  her frigid insides, she blamed his limp dick. One of many disagreements. John had spent a lot of money on his house and Mary had worked hard decorating it just so, neither was going to leave without a fight.

When John moved into the spare bedroom the battle lines were drawn. He brought his Hi-Fi from the attic and started playing his music collection at all hours. Mary started taking pipe lessons again at 9AM on a Sunday. From then on things started to escalate.

Pieces started disappearing off the porcelain figurines that Mary had collected, John’s shirts all got iron burns in them. John once used chilli oil to doctor her thrush cream, Mary added laxatives to his morning coffee. Things were coming to a head.

John thought things a little suspicious that Mary was waving him off that morning. He didn’t let it bother him. In fact he traveled a little faster than usual and didn’t notice the breaks give way.

Mary figured that about five minutes into his trip John would have careered into something so it was then she opened a bottle of sherry. It was strong stuff, strong enough to hide the faint taste of almonds.

Both inquests found verdicts of unlawful homicide. The house became the center of a bitter dispute between the two families. But that was long after John and Mary, as they had  wished much earlier, were buried in the one plot. Together, for eternity.


Written for Trifecta Week Sixty Six