Doctor Joe: Agony Uncle 6

by joetwo

Doctor Joe: Agony Uncle, your one-stop shop for good advice*.

Dear Doctor Joe,

Often when I am on a night out I find that whenever a nice guy starts to talk to me, my more attractive “friends” swoop in and steal him from me. This is getting ridiculous, what can I do?

Demented Doris


Dear Demented Doris,

I’m going to start by telling you a trade secret, all may not have been as it appeared when these young gentlemen came over to talk to you. They well may have been practicing the well known technique of baiting whereby the debonair young man goes and talks to one of the more “homely” of a group of friends. The idea being to act as charming and harmless as possible in order for the more attractive friends to think that he is alright allowing them to be more approachable and thus easier for him to talk into going home with them. If this was the case; and I would guess it often is, then your “friends” may have left with the guy but he would have turned out to be a total arsehole who will will use her and never call again so in this respect you can consider it a victory for you.

Of course; there is every possibility that the young gentleman was really interested in you and regardless if a member of your little click is going to be used by a semi-professional lady-killer why shouldn’t it be you? To turn the situation around will require you to cast off the bonds of friendship and get dirty in a manner that some authorities would consider unethical, even illegal. Are you willing to plumb these depths Doris? The fact that you read my column would suggest that you are. To go the rest of the way down this dark path you must follow these instructions.

Step one: Like I often say in my missives, a great many of a young ladies problems can be solved by just dressing a little sluttier. You don’t have to be the most stunning woman in the place, just not the fugliest. Alternatively you can just get uglier friends so you get better looking in comparison. Either route can go a long way towards making you the target rather than the bait.

Step two: I like to call this technique “strategic gossip” When the man has first come over to you but before your friends notice him take the time to introduce him to a few “facts” about your companions. You can tell him for example that you are out celebrating before your friends final transformation from a man or that one of their boyfriends has finally got parole which was totally justified because the man deserved it by talking to her in a bar. You can be as inventive as you want in this just try and make it salacious enough so he won’t ask them about it straight off. That would be unpleasant.

Step three: If your machinations end up not having an effect and your friend succeeds in getting the guy’s attention, there is always the option of mild sabotage. It can be direct methods such as “accidentally” spilling a drink on your friend’s dress mid conversation or the more subtle butting into the conversation between them at inopportune moments. This can have more than one benefit; if the guy has a friend than this trusted “wingman” may intercede on his behalf and sweep you out of the way with romancing and the like. Not only will you be “taken care of” the wingman will probably be a better catch anyway, after all he was willing to “jump on the grenade” for his friend.

Step four: The nuclear option. When all else fails and it looks like your girlfriend has successfully stolen a man from you again. Should you wish then well as they walk off into the night? The answer to this is of course no! There are still some options available to you which while not giving you the chance to steal the man back will at least ensure everyone has a crappy evening. You can drink enough to succumb to a mild case of alcohol poisoning ( Tip: carry a dose of castor oil with you to really get that vomit flying) forcing your friend to hold your hair and get you home while the guy stays there despondent. Alternatively you can spike the drink they share with some horse laxatives to make their night “unforgettable” just not in the way that they had expected.

If you follow these instructions you may not necessarily get the guy but your friends certainly won’t which is the next best thing.

All the best in your endeavors,

Doctor Joe

*Editor’s note: Not necessarily good advice.

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