Doctor Joe: Agony Uncle 5
Doctor Joe: Agony Uncle, the luuuuuuurrrrveeee doctor*.
Dear Doctor Joe,
I can’t seem to locate my self-esteem. It’s had a habit of wandering off lately, but until this weekend, I could easily find it. It was always either hiding in a glass of vodka, or in the toilet if all the vodka glasses were empty. I think it’s because I ran out of vodka on the weekend and I can’t find it anywhere. I’m worried it might have left me for someone else. Can you suggest any place else I can look? I already cut open the disposable douches.
Also, I tend to make some really bad decisions when it’s not around, and even worse ones when I’m trying to find it. Can you offer me any good advice on how to stay out of trouble? I think my landlord is starting to get the wrong idea about the free rent thing.
Down in the Dumps
Dear Down in the Dumps,
I think it is fair to say that being abandoned by my self-esteem had never been a problem that I have had to face. In fact; I have always had the opposite problem with my self-esteem not knowing when to shut the hell up (For future reference; when you keep on telling an interrogator that they are doing a sloppy job of hooking up a car battery to your scrotum they won’t be happy and then you won’t be happy!)
Reading between the lines of your letter Ms Dumps; I can’t help but get the impression that you find the search for self-esteem increasingly futile. You couldn’t be more right! As soon as you keep finding its hiding place your self-esteem will move on to more fiendish spots. It starts off hiding in vodka but then moves on to whiskey, followed by tequila and the next thing you know you’re running around town at three in the morning trying to find a store selling industrial grade methylated spirits. That would be a sad state of affairs. None of those shops are open at that time!
Instead of looking for self-esteem Ms Dumps, you would be better off trying to make self-esteem look for you. How do I do this you ask. The answer is simple; listen closely. You have to talk like a slut, walk like a slut and where applicable, dress like a slut. However under no circumstances should you put out; at least not in public.
Let me explain. When a woman looks like she is going to put out, we guys, I’m including myself here, will be drawn to her like a hungry puppy. Play it right and guys will follow you everywhere being helpful and trying to get in your good books. Nothing will make your self-esteem feel homesick than having your own lovelorn follower carrying all your books and pretending to be interested in what you say.
This technique will work on any guy you happen to meet. Big young fit guys or introverted nerdy types for moving heavy things or tech-support respectively, rich older men to keep you in the lifestyle to which you can so readily become accustomed (bonus points if they’re married so are less likely to catch you fooling around on the side or make a fuss if they do) or people in positions of power such as cops, politicians, judges etc.
Though it may sound a little amoral, it is perfectly legal since no actual ‘favours’ will be passed. It won’t be too bad on the guys as well; most will be perfectly used to the idea of following after women, and in any event stay with you at most for a month before they move on to follow someone else, (Except for that one weirdo from the internet, he’ll stick around. You might want to keep an eye on him.) You don’t even have to limit yourself to the one follower; I happen to know several masters of the art who have been able to keep up to twenty guys on the go at the same time though be warned this takes a skill at manipulation that is best left to the professionals.
So there you have it, the key a great many women’s success for you to try. Start off small, maybe on your landlord and watch your rent problems fly away. From then on, the sky is the limit. Within no time your life burdens will be lifted and your self-esteem will be back where it truly belongs.
All the best and good luck.
* Editor’s Note: Dr Joe is not an accredited member of the European association of love doctors.
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