Doctor Joe: Agony Uncle 4

by joetwo

Doctor Joe: Agony Uncle, the man who knows the answers*.

Dear Doctor Joe,

My name is Toothsome.  According to my friend Mac Giggles, I can not make myself a comic because I am already a comic.

How are you going to help me on this matter?

Must you advise me to undergo EFT?

I hope to hear from you soon!

Desperately seeking help.



Dear Toothsome,

I’m going to start by telling you if your parents called you toothsome and you take seriously anything that comes out of a man called Mac Giggles you may have bigger and deeper problems than the one you alluded to. Nevertheless I will endeavour to answer your question.

First of all who is telling you you’re a comic? Is it only one person? Your first stop should be your other friends and relatives to ask them if you look like a comic. Maybe it is time for some introspection too? Ask yourself “Do I look like a comic? Am I made of low-grade publisher’s paper? Am I a collection of two-dimensional images? Can I be found at the bottom shelf of any good newsagent?” If the answer to any of these questions is “No!” than you are not yet a comic and your way is clear.

Secondly; why would you want to be a comic in the first place. You may find that the illusion is far better than the reality, much like I did with my dream of starring in Mexican midget porn. Maybe it would be best to sample the life before making the commitment by, for example, getting yourself read by a teenage boy and left under his bed until you are cleaned out three months later by his mother (Don’t worry about the smell; you’ll get used to it and if you happen to find a single grubby sock for the love of God don’t touch it!) If you find that agreeable then your next step would be to contact a suitably qualified medical practitioner.

I hope that solves your problem.

Doctor Joe

P.S. I had no idea what EFT was so I asked the nephew. He said it was “Electronic Funds Transfer”. Now unfortunately, due to some ‘Misunderstanding’ with several national governments I have been forced to store all of my money in a sack in a secret location and am unable to receive electronic transfers. However; if you wish to send me a cheque made out to “Cash” that will be most acceptable. Thanks!

*Editor’s note: Though we’re not entirely sure he’s figured out the questions.

If you want the chance to ask Doctor Joe your own question click the link here.