Valentine’s Day Horoscopes
Capricorn (22 December-20 January): There will be a barrage of letters through your letter box this Valentine’s Day. None of them Valentine’s Cards. Rather summonses for indecent exposure.
Aquarius (21 January-19 February): Roses are red. Violets are blue. She had VD. And now so do you.
Pisces (20 February – 20 March): When planning your Valentine’s Day night remember in future, it is probably best to keep the Deep heat gel on a different shelf than the lubricant.
Aries (21 March – 20 April): You said you were going to wait until she was old enough and that is noble but did you really have to put that giant clock counting down the seconds on the roof of your house?
Taurus (21 April – 21 May): You and your partner will be expecting a little bundle of Joy for Valentine’s Day. Unfortunately Customs will intercept it at the airport and agents are currently their way. You’ll do time for this.
Gemini (22 May – 21 June): You promised your valentine that you would give them anything and you meant it. The stars are confident that they will make good use of that extra kidney.
Cancer (22 June – 23 July): You have a love that dare not speak its name. Not for any moral reasons you understand. It’s just that autagonistophilia is a bit of a mouthful.
Leo (24 July – 23 August): You will celebrate this Valentine’s day by finally coming out to your family. None of them will be the least surprised. You wore cravats dammit! Talk about a dead giveaway.
Virgo (24 August – 23 September): A romantic Valentine’s day cruise will lead to unexpected strain in your fledgling relationship. Screw the last rolo! She’s not going to get the last life jacket!
Libra (24 September – 23 October): Your attempts at spicing up your love-life this Valentine’s day will go arwy before you agree on a shorter safe-word than antidisestablishmentarianism.
Scorpio (24 October – 22 November): You wanted to make a special effort for this Valentine’s day. Unfortunately, digging up her half decomposed dead puppy and stuffing it for her will not go down well.
Sagittarius (23 November – 21 December): Once again no Valentine’s cards will arrive at your door this year. However; there will be a slight reduction in the amount of hate-mail. You will consider this a positive step.