Capricorn (22 December-20 January): You will make a killing in real estate as a direct result of your other occupation; killing.
Aquarius (21 January-19 February): You have sacrificed, money, family and friends in an effort to reignite your love-life. Now there is one more thing to cast off. Standards.
Pisces (20 February – 20 March): You will be on billboards countrywide next month when you become the new “Face” for Johnston’s patented haemorrhoid cream.
Aries (21 March – 20 April): Everybody has a story to tell, even you. Though in your case the stars can’t guarantee anyone would be interested.
Taurus (21 April – 21 May): Low cost dental work in Bulgaria will take on a surprising turn when you become an unwitting drugs mule for a ruthless South American cartel. On the plus side your smile will look fantastic.
Gemini (22 May – 21 June): After decades of tests, years of deliberations and months of tense waiting officials in Geneva will finally declare you “most useless human being alive”.
Cancer (22 June – 23 July): When the stars said last week that you need to get some colour into your life they did not mean you to set paint bombs around everywhere you work and live. Perhaps you shouldn’t take things so literally next time?
Leo (24 July – 23 August): While aboard an aircraft you will announce there is someone on the wing and panic requiring you to be restrained by several passengers and crew. The thing is the plane will be on the ground at the time and that will be a technician. You idiot!
Virgo (24 August – 23 September): They say fools rush in where angels fear to tread. In your case they also ignore the many signs, screaming guards and perimeter fences left as a warning.
Libra (24 September – 23 October): They say the last second of your life extends to infinity. If that is the case then prepare to spend eternity with two thousand very angry hockey fans from next Thursday.
Scorpio (24 October – 22 November): Scientists will eventually find a solution to your insufferable body odour. Unfortunately for you this will involve burying you in ten metres of concrete. No one else will object to this.
Sagittarius (23 November – 21 December): Your mother used to tell you that when you were born they broke the mould. She was right! But in reality it was to prevent the horrible mistake that was you ever being repeated again.