Capricorn (22 December-20 January): Sometime next week you will suddenly develop feelings of being alone and not supported. Don’t worry, that’s normal when your parachute doesn’t open.
Aquarius (21 January-19 February): Your love-life will take a surprising turn with the arrival of your new six-foot prison room-mate Bubba. He’s a ‘cuddler’!
Pisces (20 February – 20 March): Many times you have told people “It’s not illegal to be me!” Well from next week; thanks to a cross-party initiative in congress, that will no longer be true.
Aries (21 March – 20 April): Your health will take a decided turn for the worse after you discover the joys of bacon flavoured mayonnaise.
Taurus (21 April – 21 May): Your career prospects will take a dive when you drop the ball at work. The ‘ball’ in this case being the code word for a vial of flesh-eating virus.
Gemini (22 May – 21 June): People will be amazed when you announce that you will cross the country to find your lost childhood sweetheart. They will laugh their heads off when she rejects you right in your face.
Cancer (22 June – 23 July): They say a man’s body can only survive the harsh conditions of the Arctic circle for a few minutes. This week you will put their wisdom to the test, and prove them right.
Leo (24 July – 23 August): They said you wouldn’t make anything of yourself. But you will prove them wrong when you enter the history books as your pants fall down in front of the Pope.
Virgo (24 August – 23 September): You will continue to neglect the little things in life this week leading Klaus the midget to once again punch you in the groin.
Libra (24 September – 23 October): This week; you will find yourself passed over for promotion to a job for which you are under-qualified. Take solace with the fact that not everybody is meant to operate the cash register.
Scorpio (24 October – 22 November): You are the product of an amazing journey through billions of years of evolution going back countless generations to the origin of life; yet you are still not able to figure out how to work that clock radio.
Sagittarius (23 November – 21 December): Still not able to find your keys? The stars know where they are. But they’re not telling you. How do you like that? Huh?