Christmas Horoscopes

by joetwo

Capricorn (22 December-20 January): Your consumption of Christmas dinner will reach such records levels that doctors will eventually find your blood contains more than 30% gravy.

Aquarius (21 January-19 February): Elf technicians are working around the clock on the problem but unfortunately your Christmas wish for a robotic Jessica Alba is looking bleak!

Pisces (20 February – 20 March): Though your camera may be broken you will still be able to remember all the fun times you had when the massive credit card bills arrive throughout the new year.

Aries (21 March – 20 April): The fondue set that you and the Johnstons down the street have been exchanging as gifts for the last ten years will finally break. This will not prevent you from trying to pass it on again next year.

Taurus (21 April – 21 May): A new star in your sign will be the harbinger of good luck for you. I hope your happy with that! That was a supernova you know! Destroyed a whole planetary system! Billions of inhabitants! Jerk!

Gemini (22 May – 21 June): Readings of your sign will summon three travellers from the East. Though in your case they will not be wise kings but rather clueless double glazing salesmen.

Cancer (22 June – 23 July): Rapid increases in the price of energy will mean you will benefit in a surprising way from your continuing presence on the naughty list.

Leo (24 July – 23 August): You will decide to cast off many of the recent traditions of Christmas and embrace the ancients rites of Yule. In the end however Police will be called when you try to sacrifice your Cousin Geoff.

Virgo (24 August – 23 September): When the loud snap of Christmas Crackers wakes up and confuses Great-Uncle Phil you will all find it very amusing. You will not find it amusing when he starts to return fire.

Libra (24 September – 23 October): Packing yourself naked into a parcel as a gift for the person you love can be a shot-in-the-arm for the love life of consenting adults. But a word to the wise; air-holes.

Scorpio (24 October – 22 November): Your family Christmas board-game session will take an ironic turn when your Cluedo match ends with one dead body and four likely suspects

Sagittarius (23 November – 21 December): Both the stars and Santa Claus want you to know that they have been watching you your whole life and neither can explain your fascination with hot-pants.