Capricorn (22 December-20 January): You will make legal history next week when you are successfully prosecuted for crimes against fashion.
Aquarius (21 January-19 February): Your father was right when he said you should face adversity straight on with your head held high, though he probably didn’t mean runaway freight trains.
Pisces (20 February – 20 March): The stars have no objection to you fulfilling your objectives over the next week. Unfortunately six security guards and a court order may have other ideas.
Aries (21 March – 20 April): The sight of your demise will bring the whole world to a sudden silence, followed by light tittering, and finally, loud, mocking, laughter
Taurus (21 April – 21 May): No matter how far in the future you go or what else is gone, from tomorrow you will forever be known as “That idiot with the badger”.
Gemini (22 May – 21 June): Craving excitement, you will expand your horizons to never before reached heights of experience by spreading Jam on your toast this afternoon.
Cancer (22 June – 23 July): A clerical error will bring you unexpected success this week when you win best in show at the county fair.
Leo (24 July – 23 August): Your emotions will go through a roller coaster of dizzying highs and deep, deep, lows. We are talking really deep here. Bring a shovel.
Virgo (24 August – 23 September): Your much maligned dyslexia will bring you the last laugh when the insurance company pays out on Acts of Dog.
Libra (24 September – 23 October): A word of advice. Cancel your reservation for Luigi’s on Sunday. Other people may want that table and after what is coming you certainly won’t be able to use it.
Scorpio (24 October – 22 November): Medical science has come in leaps and bounds over the last few years, cures unheard of only a short time ago are now commonplace. Unfortunately, it can’t do a thing about you being a dick.
Sagittarius (23 November – 21 December): After next week you will have found out that while a superman suit does not enable you to fly, if you set things up right, you can glide a fair distance before you hit the ground.