Capricorn (22 December-20 January): You will lose over FIVE POUNDS in a single Gym session today when a freak accident with a weight machine leads to your sudden beheading.
Aquarius (21 January-19 February): A tall, handsome man will enter your life this week and ignore you, just like everyone else.
Pisces (20 February – 20 March): Mars will pass through Pisces next month, leading to the faint smell of salmon being detected by the Curiosity Rover. NASA scientists will be baffled.
Aries (21 March – 20 April): Your penchant for dressing pugs in little costumes will come to a horrific, and many agree, well deserved end.
Taurus (21 April – 21 May): The stars need to warn you about what will happen on Tuesday the 27th at….. Oh! That was yesterday, wasn’t it? Sorry about that! Our bad! We hope you weren’t hurt too badly.
Gemini (22 May – 21 June): Your friends will tire of you referring to everything as “A sticky end” leading, ironically enough, to a sticky end.
Cancer (22 June – 23 July): You are to go to the Pelican Club at exactly 3:15 PM. Ask for “Marco”. The code word is “Walrus” . Further instructions will follow.
Leo (24 July – 23 August): You will develop as a person over the coming days, becoming a whole new kind of ass hole.
Virgo (24 August – 23 September): For the last time! “It’s a Virgo thing” is no excuse for leaving the house with nothing below the waist.
Libra (24 September – 23 October): Fortune will smile on your family next week when they receive a large pay off from KFC after you choke to death on a spicy chicken wing.
Scorpio (24 October – 22 November): Your unique talent will be pooled with many other’s, preventing a global catastrophe. Who’d have thought the ability to belch the national anthem backwards would be so important?
Sagittarius (23 November – 21 December): Your conspiracy fantasies will come true when CIA satellites tap directly into your brain. Oddly enough, all they will do is play Barry Manilow over and over again.