A bit of banter

by joetwo

-Jaysus! That wind’ll freeze your hole off!

-It’s windy enough all right!

-Hello Shay, Jimmy.

-Howya Alan! Can we have two pints please?

-Evening Alan

-Coming right up!

-Hold on a second while I get me comfy seat!

-How’s business Alan?

-Not too bad Shay, things could be worse,. How are things with you?

-Same as always. As long as I can come down here and get me few pints every week, I’ve nothing to complain….

-Make way!!!

-Oh Jaysus!

-Ooooh! Thats better! Here Alan. You should get some proper chairs for out here, the other ones are not comfy enough!

-Why don’t we just leave a chair here for you? I can put a sign on it “Jimmy’s chair” How do you like the sound of that?

-I can tell you for a fact, that that bollix prefers going out to get the chair.

-Yeah! I do. Can’t complain if I don’t!

-Here you go gentlemen. That will be nine twenty please.

-Here you go. The moment of truth. Sláinte

-Sláinte Shay

-Oooh Jaysus,

-That was a lovely pint

-Fucking lovely that was. My compliments Alan

-Thanks Guys, your change?

-Just leave it there

-There’s ate’n and drink’n in that

-Just hits the spot,

-Howya lads!

-Anto! How is it going?

-A pint of Bud please Alan.

-Howya Anto!

-It’s fucking freezing! You could hang meat out there!

-It is indeed. Here! What are you doing here Anto? Didn’t you go away?

-I don’t want to talk about it.

-Anto was away? Where did you go?

-Listen lads…

-He told me he was going to Africa. To look at the Lions and the Tigers and shite!

-What are you talking about? Lions and tigers!

-Yeah! He was on a whatchayamacallit… A Safari.

-I don’t mean that! I mean there are no tigers in Africa. Isn’t that right Anto?

-I really don’t want to talk about it.

-Fancy that! Going on safari and not knowing if he had seen a bleeding Tiger.

-I didn’t see a bleeding tiger!

-So you were on safari then?

-I told you I don’t really want to talk about it.

-Why not Anto?

-You’re really not going to give me any peace untill I tell you about it, aren’t you?

-Nope!

-Probably not.

-Okay, Okay! I will

-Well!

-We’re waiting!

-Well it is a little difficult to talk when you are there just looking at me.

-Do you want us to turn away?

-We can do that.

-Ah fuck off! The story was I went down to Africa with my nephew last week.

-Is that the one with the gorgeous Mot?

-Excuse me!

-The one with the blond girlfriend?

-Where the fuck did that come from?

-I’m just asking.

-Jimmy! You are wrecking my head. If you will let me continue?

-Go on!

-Thank you! Well meself and the nephew were in Africa, in Kenya..

-I thought you said Africa?

-I did! For fucks sake, Kenya is in Africa ya dozy bollix! Everybody knows that!

-I didn’t. Are you saying that I’m not with everybody else?

-I don’t think there is a shadow of a doubt about that Jimmy.

-Go on Shay! Gang up on me! You and Anto, always abusing poor old Jimmy.

-Are you finished?

-Yeah! Go ahead.

-As I was saying we went to Kenya for a safari. To see, Lions, elephants, Giraffes, the works. They put us in a great hotel..

-Did it have a bar?

-What?

-A bar, did the hotel have one?

-Jaysus! Of course it did, sold a lovely pint of Stella. But as I was saying, we were to go out in a jeep every second day.

-Why every second day?

-Let the man fucking speak, for jaysus’ sake

-Thanks Shay, it was so that they could take you to a different market and you can buy stuff.

-That doesn’t seem very nice.

-Well you don’t have to go, the hotel is very good, pool and everything.

-Any naked women?

-What!

-Any women get their knockers out?

-I can’t fucking believe this!

-I’m only asking a fucking question. Did they?

-No! It wasn’t that kind of place.

-No wonder he came back so fast!

-Yeah Ha Ha!

-If you don’t mind! We did the safari the first day, saw load of animals and the next day I went into the market and Johnny stayed in his room.

-Bit of the dehli belly?

-Yeah! Racing out of him it was.

-What was?

-Me bollix! Would you not shut-up and listen!

-Fair enough! Don’t be so bleeding aggressive.

-So I went on me own to this market. We arrived after lunch and had an hour there to walk around and buy stuff.

-What kind of stuff?

-All kinds of shite! You know? Gifts for back home. Souvenirs and stuff.

-Did you get anything for us?

-What!

-Yeah did you bring anything for us?

-Listen! You bunch of gobshites! I am trying to tell a story here.

-We are just wondering of you got us a present.

-Yeah! You know. If you care about us.

-I don’t care much for you at the fucking moment, I can tell you that.

-Listen to that Shay! Look who’s showing their true colours.

-As I was saying! We were left to walk around this market and find things to buy. Mostly it was shite, blankets and stuff. Like who needs another blanket?

-I could use a new one. Why didn’t you get it for me?

-Listen Jimmy! If you want me to finish then you are going to have to keep your fucking mouth shut!

-I was only asking why you didn’t get me a blanket.

-I couldn’t give a bollix! But I went from stall to stall, not seeing anything good. When I came to to this auld fella just sitting there with some strange looking stuff around him.

-What kind of stuff?

-Was it some fella’s dried-out mickey?

-Jaysus! Give me strength!  I wasn’t any of that kind of stuff, you bunch of perverts! It was a bunch of bowls and statues.

-Well that doesn’t sound very strange.

-Well they fucking were! Stop interrupting me!

-Well! Go on then.

-Well I was looking at these pots and I found one that I thought looked alright. So I….

-Hold on for a second. Hey Alan!

-Mother of Jaysus

-Alright Jimmy

-Can I have two pints there please?

-Coming right up!

-Okay! You can continue!

-Thank you Jimmy! You bollix! Well I took it up and asked your man how much. He said 100 dollars so I went “Fuck that” and went to put it back down. But it must have slipped from my hand and it fell to the ground, shattering.

-He must have been pissed.

-All he did was stand up, point his finger at me, look me in the eye and mumble. I was going to pay him for it but…

-There you go Jimmy, nine twenty.

-Cheers Alan, there you go, Shay this ones yours.

-Thanks Jimmy, gentleman.

-Your change Jimmy, Anto are you ok?

-I’m grand Alan, Cheers.

-Did you pay your man?

-Who?

-The auld fella with the pot.

-Well I was going to but after that I said go and fuck yourself and walked off. But the thing is, I found that all the other guys at the stalls wouldn’t even look at me, they shooed me away when I went to their place. They seemed a little scared.

-I’d be scared of you as well Anto!

-Listen Jimmy. If you keep this up I will give you something to be scared of.

-Listen to Anto Shay. He’s threatening me!

-Jimmy would you let Anto speak!

-Thanks Shay. So none of those fuckers would even look at me. So I went back to the coach, then the hotel. Even then I could see some of the staff talking to each other and looking at me. I was starting to get weirded out.

-What happened next?

-Nothing much, got a good nights sleep and the next day the nephew was feeling better so we went together on safari.

-Did you see Tigers then?

-Holy mother of Jaysus! Did I not tell you there’s no tigers in bleeding Africa! In fact we didn’t see fuck all. So that evening, I went down to the bar for a few pints before me dinner. And there she was?

-Who was?

-Only one of the most gorgeous women you have ever seen. Eyeing me up.

-Did you dip the wick? Heh Heh!

-You know Shay? You have a filty mind. But as a matter of fact I didn’t. It was all going that way but I didn’t.

-Couldn’t get the horn, could ya?

-Jaysus Shay, you’re an awful dirty bollix, let the man speak.

-Well I brought her to my room and was about to get stuck in, when she said something into my ear.

-Nothing like a bit of sexy talk, go on ya boya!

-No it wasn’t anything like that it didn’t even sound like a woman.

-You haven’t been going after lady-boys again, have you Anto?

-Jaysus no, not after Thailand. This didn’t even sound human.

-So did you shite yourself?

-As soon as I heard the voice I was out. Fell to the floor. Woke up the next morning, there was a big snake beside me.

-A snake!

-Yeah a fucking snake. You know I don’t like them things, so I went and called room service. Soon as these guys showed up, they looked at the snake, then at me and started to shout.

-Were they scared of snakes too?

-It wasn’t that. The manager showed up and said that all the staff were saying that I was cursed, that the old man in the market had put some kind of hex on me and that they were going on strike until I left.

-So what did I do?

-What could I do, they told me sorry but I had to leave. I was able to get on to the travel agents and they got us on the next flight home. So that is why I am here.

-Jaysus! Anto cursed.

-I hope your mickey doesn’t fall off!

-I appreciate your concern Jimmy. But I am certain that no matter how bad it is, it can’t be as bad as being cursed to sit with you every poxy bleeding Saturday.

-That’s not fair. I like to sit with you, here give us a hug

– And the say that I am not cursed already!

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